Thursday, November 17, 2011

Honesty

The past few days we have been without a computer and I have found myself wishing I could blog again and really I guess I just plain have to admit to my addiction to needing to check email, facebook, EMU website.  Crazy how you realize how much you want to be connected.  But I have also realized how much easier it has become to keep the communication at a distance.  To really only want to keep communication close enough that no one needs to see what really is happening or how I am feeling. 

So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things.  One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry".  I assured her that I do indeed cry.  But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year.  In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close.  So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest.  I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.

So tears have been common place in our house this week.  From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving.  This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard.  The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me.  I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music.  It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me.  I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet.  I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more.  And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc.  I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering.  Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there.  A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired. 

Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in.  I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down.  I realize I have been stuck.  When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading.  I have tried.  I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them.  It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with.  I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had.  Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.  

I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow.  I keep trusting that there is something in this time,  just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time.  How long do transitions take?  Is it just time?  Is it us being willing to let go?  Is it being open to something new?  I feel like we have been trying.  I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.