This week in class we played the "Red/Green" game or as I knew it, "Win as much as you can". The objective of the game is "to get the most points - win as much as you can". As many know I am one who enjoys games and the satisfaction of playing a game well. I do not like to lose. When playing games with Kate, who now usually beats me, I don't want to quit until I have won. So much of my life early on was my identity as an athlete. This is what I was known for. I enjoyed people asking me on the way to class how a game went or reading about the games in the newspaper. I remember specifically trying to figure out who I was after college when my identity was no longer as Jan, the athlete. It was not long until I transferred my skills to coaching and once again found myself on the competitive path as I led teams to become the best they could be. While we always talk about life lessons learned, the positive aspects of being a part of a team, it was always easier when we would win. It is hard to bounce back from losses, to not take it personally.
Back to class. So as this game played out, people dug in and wanted to be the "winner" even though there was no mention of a prize. To win the most points was the topic of the conversation as each team tried to strategize ways to get to the top. Prior to the game we had begun a conversation on conflict. It was evident throughout the hour that the tension rose as teams would make moves that benefited themselves and created distrust amongst the other teams. Before certain rounds, each team could send a representative to the center to talk strategy with the other teams. The only way that all teams could win points, was to agree to voting green. If any team would vote red, the green votes would lose points and the red would gain even more. A pivotal point for me was the time I represented my team, working to gain agreement with everyone that green was in everyone's best interest. I gave my word along with all of the other reps. But once we went back to our teams, the rest of my team wanted to vote red, gain more points and go ahead of the rest. Wow, how difficult that was for me. I discovered that winning shifted for me. Winning no longer meant gaining the most points, but became about integrity and being able to be known as someone how stood by their word. The best for the whole team was better than the individual teams, after all these were people that I have been developing friendships with for the past eight weeks. How could my team put this integrity on the line? It was so strong for me, that I did not give in. We voted green. All but one team voted green. So instead of all winning points, we lost points while one team won and dominated the lead. I knew my team was disappointed in me. But honestly, even though it was a game, had I allowed us to vote red I would have felt like I had abandoned who I am at the core.
Thankfully I have another classmate who was willing to verbalize her unsettledness about society's focus on winning and the competitive nature we live in, advocating there to be a better way. Meg did much better at convincing her team to be consistent at looking at the bigger picture, developing the trust of others. She and I have had conversations over supper about some of the perspectives on leadership and how it seems that we have different aspirations than what we experience in class. I am so thankful to have someone to talk to and hopefully we can validate that it is good, maybe even essential, to verbalize when we question the quest to get to the top mentality. I hope that we have the courage to articulate and model some new perspectives.
I find myself wondering how I have prepared our girls, my players, my students for this game called life. Have I instilled more than the quest to get to the top? When push comes to shove will they be able to have the courage to be people of integrity? Have I helped to create alternative models of how to communicate, treat people, approach challenges, that does not need to gain the most points? That the best for ALL is valued more than the best for oneself.
In a conversation with someone recently he mentioned how our desire to encourage people to give their best effort, to develop and grow, to be creative can also be experienced as not being good enough, not measuring up. What a challenge before us, learning to lead people from something greater than the bigger is better mentality. That the beauty comes not in reaching the top, but in the journey itself.
As a side note: what was crazy, my team in the end actually did win the most points. What also happened was that really didn't matter anymore - there was so much dissatisfaction for the level of mistrust that had developed. Maybe there was movement towards a different model of "winning."
