Neutral

So today I have had a sense of calm that I haven't had for awhile.  While the past weeks have had it's challenges, the space today I am in is to rest, to stop fighting and embrace this neutral zone.  I believe this is a good step.  I typically have the tape running in my head that "you can't steer a ship that's not moving", so I have found myself attempting to move forward, that is, trying to figure out the what's next.  It inevitably ends with lots of good thoughts and no follow through, a continued fog.

For now I am content.  Looking forward to celebrating Emily's birth this week, being with family, finding some books to read, putting pieces in the puzzle, listening, waiting, praying. 

Honesty

The past few days we have been without a computer and I have found myself wishing I could blog again and really I guess I just plain have to admit to my addiction to needing to check email, facebook, EMU website.  Crazy how you realize how much you want to be connected.  But I have also realized how much easier it has become to keep the communication at a distance.  To really only want to keep communication close enough that no one needs to see what really is happening or how I am feeling. 

So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things.  One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry".  I assured her that I do indeed cry.  But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year.  In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close.  So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest.  I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.

So tears have been common place in our house this week.  From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving.  This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard.  The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me.  I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music.  It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me.  I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet.  I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more.  And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc.  I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering.  Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there.  A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired. 

Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in.  I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down.  I realize I have been stuck.  When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading.  I have tried.  I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them.  It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with.  I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had.  Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.  

I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow.  I keep trusting that there is something in this time,  just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time.  How long do transitions take?  Is it just time?  Is it us being willing to let go?  Is it being open to something new?  I feel like we have been trying.  I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.

Dixie Chicks

It's crazy how just a few animals have helped us to feel more at home.  I am sure people think we are crazy, but in reality we are feeling more at peace.  So within the past month we have added to our flock.  Right after Labor day our meat chickens and laying hens arrived in the mail as day old chicks.  We made a home for them in our garage until this past week.  The middle of September then Jeff and a friends traveled to VA to bring home his cows.  So once again Scarlet and Sylvie have joined us in Ohio along with Scarlet's latest calf, Virginia (Ginny).  Since we don't have enough land here, we are renting some land about three miles away.  Not ideal, but better than VA. 

So as the weather became sunny again with warmer temps this week, we moved the meat chicks outside to the grass and finished the goat pen.  So now Anya has her new goat, Dixie.  The last thing yet to do, is get the laying hens pen made so we can move them outside as well.  Now of course I'm trying to convince Jeff to get a pig yet, but that may be a little over the top for now.  Okay if I must admit, I have also been trying to say that once we can find and afford a few more acres, that we should also get a few draft horses instead of a tractor.  Why not try and eliminate the use of fuel and slow down the pace to enjoy being a part of creation.  It's somewhat how I feel when I ride bike instead of driving a car.  It's good for the soul. 

So now I'm wondering what else might be good for the soul?

End of Summer

This week marked the end of summer.  The girls have started back to school after a long break.  They ended May 20th and started back on Sept 7th.  They are in a new school building that is wonderful (so much so that I walked in yesterday and said "I want to work here someday.")  They were ready to be back in a routine, to see friends but also somewhat reserved, not sure what the new year will bring.  So far so good.  Emily is playing on the JV volleyball team, Kate on the 8th grade team and Anya is manager for the high school teams.

It has been raining for the past few days and now the sun is peaking out for the first time in a while.  I guess that means that I should start working outside again.  I have enjoyed a few days reprieve and reading some books, drinking tea interspersed with baking scones and bread.  Today was a volunteer day at 10,000 Villages.

It also feels like the end of summer because the shelves are full - dill pickles are the winner this year with over 80 quarts.  This week was more tomato pizza sauce, grape juice, pear jam, grape jelly, sour cherry jam.  We're enjoying the end of the green beans that finally decided to produce.  We hope to try out ,making ketchup and some things with green tomatoes yet.  The limas should be ready soon along with the squash.  We continue to enjoy watermelon and I'm excited to see the kale, swiss chard, lettuce and spinach up for the fall harvest.

It has been a good summer, filled with lots of memories.  Looking forward to what fall will bring.  I'm feeling in a good space, for which I am grateful.  Still waiting to see what God reveals to me in this stage and am grateful to be embracing it.

Breathe

So today has been the first day in what seems like a long time to go at a relaxed pace - no schedule commitment, no guests to host, just doing things at a pace that I want to work at.  So I slept in a bit, washed some dishes, made some scones for breakfast, hung out with the girls as they each got up, mixed up some bread, listened to music, talked more with the girls, played a little volleyball.  I'm looking forward to a bike ride, picking things in the garden, watching Em's scrimmage.  Maybe I'll work at the tomatoes that are covering the table from the last two days, maybe it'll wait until tomorrow.  Anya is with a friend, Kate and Em are outside reading/writing and Monika is at Sauder Village.  So now it's just me with the silence and the smell of freshly baked whole wheat flax bread.

What a gift to just enjoy the silence.  I remember longing for the silence of the mornings when milking cows when I was working full-time.  This past winter I fought that silence, longing for something meaningful to engage in.  This summer I have fully enjoyed the gift to be home with the girls but I realize that I was gone a lot these past six weeks, I have offered to help with a variety of projects on top of keeping up (well not really, but attempting to) with the garden.  I recognize that when the busy times come it's so easy to lose focus and not be aware of God's presence.  So I'm trying to take some deep breaths and listen again, to be attentive to God's voice and remind myself that I do not walk this journey alone.

"When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, the Lord, will answer them.  I, the God of Isreal, will never forsake them.  I will open up rivers for them on high plateaus, I will give them fountains of water in the valleys.  In the deserts they will find pools of water.  Rivers fed by springs will flow across the dry, parched ground.  I will plant trees--cedar, acacia, myrtle, olive, cypress, fir, and pine--on barren land.  Everyone will see this miracle and understand that it is the Lord, the Holy One of Isreal, who did it."  Isaiah 41:17-20

20 YEARS

So Jeff and I celebrated our 20th anniversary this past week.  Months back we toyed with the idea to do something far away like St. John's Island or something like that, but to be honest for the past six months trying to get myself to think ahead and plan seemed impossible.  We would often talk about what we would want to do together on Monday's during Jeff's day off but as it got closer the more we settled on going to Traverse City in Michigan.  This was a town we had hoped to get to on our bike trip in Michigan three years ago, but chose an alternate route due to weather.  We decided to book a hotel room for the first night and then just wing it from there. 

So this was the week to celebrate.  We left on Wednesday morning right on time, heading north.  We enjoyed some good conversation, a little shopping and lunch on the way.  We found Traverse City to be a neat area with lots of shopping, cafes, beachfront - all very touristy though.  In the evening we decided to take a drive up the Old Mission Penisula to see the sunset from that side.  We drove past lots of big homes on the Bay  and a lot of orchards.  The next morning we both sat out by the water doing some reading and enjoying the calm of the morning.  From here we had no set direction.  I had really wanted to see some of the Lelanau Penisula and I knew that there was a bike trail heading north, so my dear husband so graciously parked and got the bikes ready for the ride.  It was a nice trail to ride on but eventually it wasn't paved and we decided to not keep going so we turned back around and finished the tour in the vehicle.  Again, we enjoyed a little cafe in Suttons Bay and some good views of the Bay on the east side and then Lake Michigan on the west side.  We had decided to not return to Traverse City that night and to find something on the coast to again see a good sunset.  We took a little break in the afternoon to enjoy Sleeping Bear Dunes, doing some hiking and sightseeing.  By 5:00 we arrived at Frankfort and decided to stay the night there.  This was our favorite location.  A small town, a walk to everything - shops, food, beach.  We got some pizza and ate it along the harbor with the boats and swans to watch.  We headed then towards the beach area and walked out a pier to the lighthouse and then found our way to another less traveled pier to watch the sunset.  

The next morning I went out exploring on my own while Jeff did some reading.  I rode bike to the next town, Elberta, and then found a great bike trail that was at points along a river.  That was a highlight for me, discovering a new area, a great morning ride and some quiet and beautiful sights.  We found this area to be so refreshing.  We had a recommendation to visit a few places that turned out to be our favorites - Trick Dog cafe, drinking an Italian soda, iced green tea and an apricot scone; Gwen Frostic studio - a place that was so inspiring seeing her artwork of nature, the layout of the building-embracing the natural setting it was in and enjoying reading a bit about her life and some of her books; then took a canoe ride on the river for a couple of hours - listening to the birds and enjoying the time in nature (we didn't see any signs of people until right at the end). 

So while we enjoyed our time together discovering new things it was a good reminder to me of how important it is to spend time together.  That it really goes beyond just being together - I think we all know how to co-exist and keep things functioning on the day to day.  What I wasn't prepared for was the mix of emotions that would come up for me throughout the week. 

Recently at a seminar on marriage at the Pittsburgh convention a few points resonated with me this week, such as, "intimacy exposes things in myself (good & bad) that we need to face"  and we need to "be willing to feel the hard emotions".    One would think that on an anniversary trip that it would be all happy and exciting.  It was those emotions but it was also sad and lonely at times.  Why are relationships so challenging and rewarding?  Why is being real so emotional and yet draw you closer? I just read a book talking about finding your passion and purpose in life.  On the journey one needs to go through a preparing, planting, growth and then harvest stage.  On this journey you need to press through the trials to reach the harvesting stage and for many it's easier to get out and never experience the true joy.  Same is true in relationships.  It is about being vulnerable, being respectful, honoring the other, willingness to let go of some things (fears) and choosing to stay facing each other along the way. 

While most of my "stuff" this week was my own personal stuff I am grateful for a husband who I never question whether he will choose to stay, whether he will love, honor and respect me.  And that is what keeps this marriage thriving, not just surviving.  For each day I am grateful, for each year I am amazed that the love keeps growing deeper and I look forward to all that is to come!  I love you Jeff!!

Finally

So I have finally decided to just take the time to write.  It's 97 degrees outside and I thought that just maybe it would be good to stay inside for a while.  The week has been filled with lots of work in the garden, flower beds, making food, playing vb (Jeff finished the poles so we could put up the net), and now getting ready to be gone for the next week.

I'm not sure why I haven't been drawn to the computer and this blog, but I was so excited when I got home from the garden this morning with all the lettuce and new carrots, I couldn't resist getting out the camera.  Thus, the prompting for the new post.  I hope to take 16 bags of buttercrunch lettuce & arugula to church tomorrow for everyone to enjoy, along with some freshly picked carrots.  What a treat!

One of the things that we have been grappling with recently is whether to try and find a little extra land so that Jeff can bring his cow & calf  here or to try and find a way to get our two acres here to work for us.  While I have appreciated the opportunity to have a garden within biking distance it would be really nice to have something more here.  The challenge is that all of our land is out to the front of our house and we haven't felt that turning the front yard into a garden or pasture would be the best, but we also wrestle with mowing so much.  So we continue to think through what might work here. Hopefully in the future we will be able to find a way to have chickens and goats again, even if it's small scale.  It will also be my desire to create more garden spaces here.

This week I happened upon a website "Grow Pittsburgh".  I found myself exploring other links and came across a site that showed how there are now some Panera Bread locations that have a donation site where food is placed on a counter with only a donation box, so that people can pay what they can/want.  It mentioned that some people will give more and others less.  Some may not have the cash, but donate some time to help in the back with some work.  Regardless it doesn't matter what one can give, it's meant to provide food for all people.   That is my dream.  To offer food to everyone, with no expectation of cost. 

So maybe, just maybe you will someday see in our front yard a garden where the harvested food is set out on a stand with only a donation box.  And, that there will be friends made, when someone decides to pull a few weeds in exchange for the fresh food.

Lettuce and carrots!!