Holy Week - Refining

Wow it has been a long time since my last post.  This past week was Holy week and as I am reflecting on our service on Sunday and my on-going study of Daniel I thought I'd put down some of my thoughts.

Today I am thinking of Jesus' pain & suffering - something his short life on earth knew so well.  I am also remembering when Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace.  Through this trial it allowed for King Neby to see a fourth person in the fire with them and that they were not consumed by the flames but instead were unharmed.

In our sermon on Palm Sunday Jessica named that Jesus was not protected from pain, suffering & death.  God's favor does not equal success & protection but He does promise provision - in the midst of the suffering.  It's not if we have trials but when - something I've always known.  When we are faced with the trials and are in the midst of the fire, our faith is refined.  As I envision the four people in the fiery furnace I am encouraged to know the fourth one is God standing in there with us. 

So often in the fire we are caught up/consumed with the fire itself - the treatments, the loss, the pain, the depression, the loneliness.  When do we consider, look for, recognize the fourth person in the furnace with us - the One that is there but wasn't visible before?  Does God become visible in the fire, for us - or for the others on the outside looking in?

We know in our heads that God is always with us, so does He become visible once we acknowledge Him, once we completely put our trust in Him?  Once we shift our focus off the fire, recognizing it's Jesus' feet we want to sit at, it's His love that embraces us, is it then that we have the courage to walk thru the fire?  What if we never walk out of the fire?  If not, then we will be gazing into Jesus' eyes so closely, that maybe we won't really notice that others have left our side.  Wondering if the those who were experiencing the fire with us, would also see the loving, gentle eyes, and the peaceful presence you found with Jesus.  Knowing at some point they will be able to walk out of the fire, not consumed, but refined.

Will others notice the fourth person in our fiery furnace?  Do we even notice Him?  Refining -is never easy, but results in such beauty.  One day our trials will take us through the fire and into Jesus' arms.  Will we draw others around us closer to their Maker in the process or will we all miss seeing Jesus at all because we have allowed the fire to be our focus?

Daniel

The month of January proved to be busy as I did a lot of subbing in the school cafeteria.  I have enjoyed connecting with the ladies there and helping to get a salad bar started.  Last week I made hummus and was pleased to see people disappointed that it had run out on Thursday.  I also had the opportunity to take on a position there five days a week, but decided to not do that and will continue to sub for now, likely two days a week.

One of the other things that I have been processing in January is whether I should apply to go back to school.  I did a visit to BGSU and have emailed inquiries also to UT.  I am really trying to discern what it is I am longing for and what it is that God is wanting for me.  I recently came across the Daniel Fast again.  I hadn't looked into it much before but came across the website http://daniel-fast.com/.  Because of this discerning stage I am in, I have decided to do this Daniel fast to help me bring focus to my searchings and to really seek out God in this.  I continue to feel pulled in different directions - wanting to be available to my family, wanting my mind to be stimulated, wanting to make a difference, wanting to raise our food, wanting to contribute financially ...  So knowing the right timing for things, what is for me right now in NW Ohio, what to prepare for in the future, how to support Jeff and the girls...

I don't feel restless, just wanting to pay attention to what is inside and desiring to have my purpose grow out of my relationship with the Lord, not asking God to come along side of me.  I know God has plans for me, plans for me to prosper and have purpose.   "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11.

Neutral

So today I have had a sense of calm that I haven't had for awhile.  While the past weeks have had it's challenges, the space today I am in is to rest, to stop fighting and embrace this neutral zone.  I believe this is a good step.  I typically have the tape running in my head that "you can't steer a ship that's not moving", so I have found myself attempting to move forward, that is, trying to figure out the what's next.  It inevitably ends with lots of good thoughts and no follow through, a continued fog.

For now I am content.  Looking forward to celebrating Emily's birth this week, being with family, finding some books to read, putting pieces in the puzzle, listening, waiting, praying. 

Honesty

The past few days we have been without a computer and I have found myself wishing I could blog again and really I guess I just plain have to admit to my addiction to needing to check email, facebook, EMU website.  Crazy how you realize how much you want to be connected.  But I have also realized how much easier it has become to keep the communication at a distance.  To really only want to keep communication close enough that no one needs to see what really is happening or how I am feeling. 

So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things.  One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry".  I assured her that I do indeed cry.  But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year.  In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close.  So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest.  I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.

So tears have been common place in our house this week.  From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving.  This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard.  The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me.  I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music.  It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me.  I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet.  I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more.  And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc.  I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering.  Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there.  A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired. 

Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in.  I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down.  I realize I have been stuck.  When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading.  I have tried.  I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them.  It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with.  I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had.  Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.  

I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow.  I keep trusting that there is something in this time,  just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time.  How long do transitions take?  Is it just time?  Is it us being willing to let go?  Is it being open to something new?  I feel like we have been trying.  I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.

Dixie Chicks

It's crazy how just a few animals have helped us to feel more at home.  I am sure people think we are crazy, but in reality we are feeling more at peace.  So within the past month we have added to our flock.  Right after Labor day our meat chickens and laying hens arrived in the mail as day old chicks.  We made a home for them in our garage until this past week.  The middle of September then Jeff and a friends traveled to VA to bring home his cows.  So once again Scarlet and Sylvie have joined us in Ohio along with Scarlet's latest calf, Virginia (Ginny).  Since we don't have enough land here, we are renting some land about three miles away.  Not ideal, but better than VA. 

So as the weather became sunny again with warmer temps this week, we moved the meat chicks outside to the grass and finished the goat pen.  So now Anya has her new goat, Dixie.  The last thing yet to do, is get the laying hens pen made so we can move them outside as well.  Now of course I'm trying to convince Jeff to get a pig yet, but that may be a little over the top for now.  Okay if I must admit, I have also been trying to say that once we can find and afford a few more acres, that we should also get a few draft horses instead of a tractor.  Why not try and eliminate the use of fuel and slow down the pace to enjoy being a part of creation.  It's somewhat how I feel when I ride bike instead of driving a car.  It's good for the soul. 

So now I'm wondering what else might be good for the soul?

End of Summer

This week marked the end of summer.  The girls have started back to school after a long break.  They ended May 20th and started back on Sept 7th.  They are in a new school building that is wonderful (so much so that I walked in yesterday and said "I want to work here someday.")  They were ready to be back in a routine, to see friends but also somewhat reserved, not sure what the new year will bring.  So far so good.  Emily is playing on the JV volleyball team, Kate on the 8th grade team and Anya is manager for the high school teams.

It has been raining for the past few days and now the sun is peaking out for the first time in a while.  I guess that means that I should start working outside again.  I have enjoyed a few days reprieve and reading some books, drinking tea interspersed with baking scones and bread.  Today was a volunteer day at 10,000 Villages.

It also feels like the end of summer because the shelves are full - dill pickles are the winner this year with over 80 quarts.  This week was more tomato pizza sauce, grape juice, pear jam, grape jelly, sour cherry jam.  We're enjoying the end of the green beans that finally decided to produce.  We hope to try out ,making ketchup and some things with green tomatoes yet.  The limas should be ready soon along with the squash.  We continue to enjoy watermelon and I'm excited to see the kale, swiss chard, lettuce and spinach up for the fall harvest.

It has been a good summer, filled with lots of memories.  Looking forward to what fall will bring.  I'm feeling in a good space, for which I am grateful.  Still waiting to see what God reveals to me in this stage and am grateful to be embracing it.

Breathe

So today has been the first day in what seems like a long time to go at a relaxed pace - no schedule commitment, no guests to host, just doing things at a pace that I want to work at.  So I slept in a bit, washed some dishes, made some scones for breakfast, hung out with the girls as they each got up, mixed up some bread, listened to music, talked more with the girls, played a little volleyball.  I'm looking forward to a bike ride, picking things in the garden, watching Em's scrimmage.  Maybe I'll work at the tomatoes that are covering the table from the last two days, maybe it'll wait until tomorrow.  Anya is with a friend, Kate and Em are outside reading/writing and Monika is at Sauder Village.  So now it's just me with the silence and the smell of freshly baked whole wheat flax bread.

What a gift to just enjoy the silence.  I remember longing for the silence of the mornings when milking cows when I was working full-time.  This past winter I fought that silence, longing for something meaningful to engage in.  This summer I have fully enjoyed the gift to be home with the girls but I realize that I was gone a lot these past six weeks, I have offered to help with a variety of projects on top of keeping up (well not really, but attempting to) with the garden.  I recognize that when the busy times come it's so easy to lose focus and not be aware of God's presence.  So I'm trying to take some deep breaths and listen again, to be attentive to God's voice and remind myself that I do not walk this journey alone.

"When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, the Lord, will answer them.  I, the God of Isreal, will never forsake them.  I will open up rivers for them on high plateaus, I will give them fountains of water in the valleys.  In the deserts they will find pools of water.  Rivers fed by springs will flow across the dry, parched ground.  I will plant trees--cedar, acacia, myrtle, olive, cypress, fir, and pine--on barren land.  Everyone will see this miracle and understand that it is the Lord, the Holy One of Isreal, who did it."  Isaiah 41:17-20