This week in class we played the "Red/Green" game or as I knew it, "Win as much as you can". The objective of the game is "to get the most points - win as much as you can". As many know I am one who enjoys games and the satisfaction of playing a game well. I do not like to lose. When playing games with Kate, who now usually beats me, I don't want to quit until I have won. So much of my life early on was my identity as an athlete. This is what I was known for. I enjoyed people asking me on the way to class how a game went or reading about the games in the newspaper. I remember specifically trying to figure out who I was after college when my identity was no longer as Jan, the athlete. It was not long until I transferred my skills to coaching and once again found myself on the competitive path as I led teams to become the best they could be. While we always talk about life lessons learned, the positive aspects of being a part of a team, it was always easier when we would win. It is hard to bounce back from losses, to not take it personally.
Back to class. So as this game played out, people dug in and wanted to be the "winner" even though there was no mention of a prize. To win the most points was the topic of the conversation as each team tried to strategize ways to get to the top. Prior to the game we had begun a conversation on conflict. It was evident throughout the hour that the tension rose as teams would make moves that benefited themselves and created distrust amongst the other teams. Before certain rounds, each team could send a representative to the center to talk strategy with the other teams. The only way that all teams could win points, was to agree to voting green. If any team would vote red, the green votes would lose points and the red would gain even more. A pivotal point for me was the time I represented my team, working to gain agreement with everyone that green was in everyone's best interest. I gave my word along with all of the other reps. But once we went back to our teams, the rest of my team wanted to vote red, gain more points and go ahead of the rest. Wow, how difficult that was for me. I discovered that winning shifted for me. Winning no longer meant gaining the most points, but became about integrity and being able to be known as someone how stood by their word. The best for the whole team was better than the individual teams, after all these were people that I have been developing friendships with for the past eight weeks. How could my team put this integrity on the line? It was so strong for me, that I did not give in. We voted green. All but one team voted green. So instead of all winning points, we lost points while one team won and dominated the lead. I knew my team was disappointed in me. But honestly, even though it was a game, had I allowed us to vote red I would have felt like I had abandoned who I am at the core.
Thankfully I have another classmate who was willing to verbalize her unsettledness about society's focus on winning and the competitive nature we live in, advocating there to be a better way. Meg did much better at convincing her team to be consistent at looking at the bigger picture, developing the trust of others. She and I have had conversations over supper about some of the perspectives on leadership and how it seems that we have different aspirations than what we experience in class. I am so thankful to have someone to talk to and hopefully we can validate that it is good, maybe even essential, to verbalize when we question the quest to get to the top mentality. I hope that we have the courage to articulate and model some new perspectives.
I find myself wondering how I have prepared our girls, my players, my students for this game called life. Have I instilled more than the quest to get to the top? When push comes to shove will they be able to have the courage to be people of integrity? Have I helped to create alternative models of how to communicate, treat people, approach challenges, that does not need to gain the most points? That the best for ALL is valued more than the best for oneself.
In a conversation with someone recently he mentioned how our desire to encourage people to give their best effort, to develop and grow, to be creative can also be experienced as not being good enough, not measuring up. What a challenge before us, learning to lead people from something greater than the bigger is better mentality. That the beauty comes not in reaching the top, but in the journey itself.
As a side note: what was crazy, my team in the end actually did win the most points. What also happened was that really didn't matter anymore - there was so much dissatisfaction for the level of mistrust that had developed. Maybe there was movement towards a different model of "winning."
Friday, October 12, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Joy
Joy. A word that has come up a few times today already. A reminder of a prayer for joy from a dying friend (for Jeff) and Psalm 100 in my devotions today both are spurring me to this blog post. So as I sit in my hammock chair on the porch, listening to the chatter of the girls in the house and the chickens in the yard, our dog laying at my feet and my books and paper awaiting me on the table, I'm taking a time out to name this joy.
I can't believe my last post was in April!!! When I think of all that has happened since then, it's too much to write. I'll just say that it has been a full and wonderful summer. Kids have started the school year and all seem to be in a good space. This is truly something to be joyful about. As I mentioned in my last post I decided this year to try and write down 1000 blessings - my gratitude journal. This has been a wonderful exercise in looking for the joy in this place and time. Can't say that I have done it daily, but one day I will look back and see the many ways that God has been working and transforming me.
I mentioned the books and paper awaiting me and I mentioned all of us being in a good space. Both are tied together for me. Jeff described to someone that the Jan that he knew was back. I wonder if he'll always think that is a good thing, but it describes the change. So 3-4 weeks ago when I met with a friend for breakfast and she was asking about the transition and where I see my niche. I did my usual, things are fine but I really don't know where I will end up, there hasn't seemed to be many possibilities. I have my many interests in food, gardens, youth work, but somehow a transition in conversation was made to my work at the university and with students. What was crazy was I felt myself coming alive again. I went away from that breakfast with this passion ignited again. This time I had a strong urge that I wanted to just take a class and see how that feels. So I checked in at BGSU with the dept chair who I had worked with when I had applied to the Leadership Studies program in the winter (and was told that I needed more focus, try again next year). And here is the start of what has been a crazy ride. Within a two week time span after I made the first contact about inquiring to just take one class turned into, would you consider taking two classes if BG gives a tuition waiver for the second one, to you need to be full-time to get the waiver, to we decided to fully accept you into the doctoral program for Leadership Studies. So what started with a breakfast at Essenhaus has ended up a month later with being a doctoral student and now also working 20 hours on campus with the director of BG Perspective (the general education program). I describe it as the doors were flung wide open and I'd be crazy to not walk through them.
Back to Joy. There are many moments when I wonder if I can do this, if I can find my voice again, if this will be as good in a few months as it is now, if I really can focus. But there is an undeniable joy inside. A joy every time I walk on campus, a joy that our home seems to be settling into a groove, a joy that there is focus again, a joy that I know I do not walk this path alone - I feel a deep sense of God's leading and tremendous support from my family and others. I know this path will not be easy to walk, but I choose to walk it one day at a time. Where it ends up I don't know, whether I actually finish or not, does not matter to me - for now I choose to walk through the doors that have undeniably been opened.
Psalm 100:
Shout with joy to the Lord. Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and bless his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
Giving thanks to God for this journey - for the past, the present and the future!
I can't believe my last post was in April!!! When I think of all that has happened since then, it's too much to write. I'll just say that it has been a full and wonderful summer. Kids have started the school year and all seem to be in a good space. This is truly something to be joyful about. As I mentioned in my last post I decided this year to try and write down 1000 blessings - my gratitude journal. This has been a wonderful exercise in looking for the joy in this place and time. Can't say that I have done it daily, but one day I will look back and see the many ways that God has been working and transforming me.
I mentioned the books and paper awaiting me and I mentioned all of us being in a good space. Both are tied together for me. Jeff described to someone that the Jan that he knew was back. I wonder if he'll always think that is a good thing, but it describes the change. So 3-4 weeks ago when I met with a friend for breakfast and she was asking about the transition and where I see my niche. I did my usual, things are fine but I really don't know where I will end up, there hasn't seemed to be many possibilities. I have my many interests in food, gardens, youth work, but somehow a transition in conversation was made to my work at the university and with students. What was crazy was I felt myself coming alive again. I went away from that breakfast with this passion ignited again. This time I had a strong urge that I wanted to just take a class and see how that feels. So I checked in at BGSU with the dept chair who I had worked with when I had applied to the Leadership Studies program in the winter (and was told that I needed more focus, try again next year). And here is the start of what has been a crazy ride. Within a two week time span after I made the first contact about inquiring to just take one class turned into, would you consider taking two classes if BG gives a tuition waiver for the second one, to you need to be full-time to get the waiver, to we decided to fully accept you into the doctoral program for Leadership Studies. So what started with a breakfast at Essenhaus has ended up a month later with being a doctoral student and now also working 20 hours on campus with the director of BG Perspective (the general education program). I describe it as the doors were flung wide open and I'd be crazy to not walk through them.
Back to Joy. There are many moments when I wonder if I can do this, if I can find my voice again, if this will be as good in a few months as it is now, if I really can focus. But there is an undeniable joy inside. A joy every time I walk on campus, a joy that our home seems to be settling into a groove, a joy that there is focus again, a joy that I know I do not walk this path alone - I feel a deep sense of God's leading and tremendous support from my family and others. I know this path will not be easy to walk, but I choose to walk it one day at a time. Where it ends up I don't know, whether I actually finish or not, does not matter to me - for now I choose to walk through the doors that have undeniably been opened.
Psalm 100:
Shout with joy to the Lord. Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and bless his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
Giving thanks to God for this journey - for the past, the present and the future!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Holding it Loosely
So over time there have been a few phrases that prove to become a mantra for my life and also become powerful words for others. The first phrase was (and continues to be) "sit with it". So often in life I find myself wanting to fight emotions connected with grief or questioning why things happen and have needed to learn how to "sit with" the emotions or questions and allow myself to feel. I imagine myself sitting at the feet of Jesus, laying down whatever is happening there and trying to look into Jesus' eyes. It doesn't take away the pain but it allows me to see Jesus with me in that pain, giving space to cry, be angry or whatever. During that sitting with it, I believe those are the moments where healing happens - a little more each time.
Holding it loosely has become an important phrase for me recently. Back when we were in the discerning stage for moving to Ohio, Jeff used that phrase and it has become invaluable to me now too. I see it as the ability to look at the possibilities with open hands, allowing God's timing and direction to be revealed. I find when I want something too much I tend to try and manipulate the process. My desire to control things or want to know the details often times gets in the way of the work God has at hand. I think a key for me in this transitional time has been in opening myself up to the work of God, to take on a posture of seeking. I believe God has been leading, shaping, moving and as I have moved in directions that lead to closed doors, I don't see it as a failure, but as a growing and valuable process to have been through. Learning to trust each step of the way, peeling away the layers of protection or the walls that I've built. It is a process.
I'm thinking I'm going to start my way to listing 1,000 blessings/gifts/appreciation in this next year. This in itself is truly a testimony to the work of God in my life. To actually want to try and name blessings about this area, time of life...the fog is lifting. Giving God the praise today for a sunny day, inwardly and outwardly.
Holding it loosely has become an important phrase for me recently. Back when we were in the discerning stage for moving to Ohio, Jeff used that phrase and it has become invaluable to me now too. I see it as the ability to look at the possibilities with open hands, allowing God's timing and direction to be revealed. I find when I want something too much I tend to try and manipulate the process. My desire to control things or want to know the details often times gets in the way of the work God has at hand. I think a key for me in this transitional time has been in opening myself up to the work of God, to take on a posture of seeking. I believe God has been leading, shaping, moving and as I have moved in directions that lead to closed doors, I don't see it as a failure, but as a growing and valuable process to have been through. Learning to trust each step of the way, peeling away the layers of protection or the walls that I've built. It is a process.
I'm thinking I'm going to start my way to listing 1,000 blessings/gifts/appreciation in this next year. This in itself is truly a testimony to the work of God in my life. To actually want to try and name blessings about this area, time of life...the fog is lifting. Giving God the praise today for a sunny day, inwardly and outwardly.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Holy Week - Refining
Wow it has been a long time since my last post. This past week was Holy week and as I am reflecting on our service on Sunday and my on-going study of Daniel I thought I'd put down some of my thoughts.
Today I am thinking of Jesus' pain & suffering - something his short life on earth knew so well. I am also remembering when Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace. Through this trial it allowed for King Neby to see a fourth person in the fire with them and that they were not consumed by the flames but instead were unharmed.
In our sermon on Palm Sunday Jessica named that Jesus was not protected from pain, suffering & death. God's favor does not equal success & protection but He does promise provision - in the midst of the suffering. It's not if we have trials but when - something I've always known. When we are faced with the trials and are in the midst of the fire, our faith is refined. As I envision the four people in the fiery furnace I am encouraged to know the fourth one is God standing in there with us.
So often in the fire we are caught up/consumed with the fire itself - the treatments, the loss, the pain, the depression, the loneliness. When do we consider, look for, recognize the fourth person in the furnace with us - the One that is there but wasn't visible before? Does God become visible in the fire, for us - or for the others on the outside looking in?
We know in our heads that God is always with us, so does He become visible once we acknowledge Him, once we completely put our trust in Him? Once we shift our focus off the fire, recognizing it's Jesus' feet we want to sit at, it's His love that embraces us, is it then that we have the courage to walk thru the fire? What if we never walk out of the fire? If not, then we will be gazing into Jesus' eyes so closely, that maybe we won't really notice that others have left our side. Wondering if the those who were experiencing the fire with us, would also see the loving, gentle eyes, and the peaceful presence you found with Jesus. Knowing at some point they will be able to walk out of the fire, not consumed, but refined.
Will others notice the fourth person in our fiery furnace? Do we even notice Him? Refining -is never easy, but results in such beauty. One day our trials will take us through the fire and into Jesus' arms. Will we draw others around us closer to their Maker in the process or will we all miss seeing Jesus at all because we have allowed the fire to be our focus?
Today I am thinking of Jesus' pain & suffering - something his short life on earth knew so well. I am also remembering when Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace. Through this trial it allowed for King Neby to see a fourth person in the fire with them and that they were not consumed by the flames but instead were unharmed.
In our sermon on Palm Sunday Jessica named that Jesus was not protected from pain, suffering & death. God's favor does not equal success & protection but He does promise provision - in the midst of the suffering. It's not if we have trials but when - something I've always known. When we are faced with the trials and are in the midst of the fire, our faith is refined. As I envision the four people in the fiery furnace I am encouraged to know the fourth one is God standing in there with us.
So often in the fire we are caught up/consumed with the fire itself - the treatments, the loss, the pain, the depression, the loneliness. When do we consider, look for, recognize the fourth person in the furnace with us - the One that is there but wasn't visible before? Does God become visible in the fire, for us - or for the others on the outside looking in?
We know in our heads that God is always with us, so does He become visible once we acknowledge Him, once we completely put our trust in Him? Once we shift our focus off the fire, recognizing it's Jesus' feet we want to sit at, it's His love that embraces us, is it then that we have the courage to walk thru the fire? What if we never walk out of the fire? If not, then we will be gazing into Jesus' eyes so closely, that maybe we won't really notice that others have left our side. Wondering if the those who were experiencing the fire with us, would also see the loving, gentle eyes, and the peaceful presence you found with Jesus. Knowing at some point they will be able to walk out of the fire, not consumed, but refined.
Will others notice the fourth person in our fiery furnace? Do we even notice Him? Refining -is never easy, but results in such beauty. One day our trials will take us through the fire and into Jesus' arms. Will we draw others around us closer to their Maker in the process or will we all miss seeing Jesus at all because we have allowed the fire to be our focus?
Monday, January 30, 2012
Daniel
The month of January proved to be busy as I did a lot of subbing in the school cafeteria. I have enjoyed connecting with the ladies there and helping to get a salad bar started. Last week I made hummus and was pleased to see people disappointed that it had run out on Thursday. I also had the opportunity to take on a position there five days a week, but decided to not do that and will continue to sub for now, likely two days a week.
One of the other things that I have been processing in January is whether I should apply to go back to school. I did a visit to BGSU and have emailed inquiries also to UT. I am really trying to discern what it is I am longing for and what it is that God is wanting for me. I recently came across the Daniel Fast again. I hadn't looked into it much before but came across the website http://daniel-fast.com/. Because of this discerning stage I am in, I have decided to do this Daniel fast to help me bring focus to my searchings and to really seek out God in this. I continue to feel pulled in different directions - wanting to be available to my family, wanting my mind to be stimulated, wanting to make a difference, wanting to raise our food, wanting to contribute financially ... So knowing the right timing for things, what is for me right now in NW Ohio, what to prepare for in the future, how to support Jeff and the girls...
I don't feel restless, just wanting to pay attention to what is inside and desiring to have my purpose grow out of my relationship with the Lord, not asking God to come along side of me. I know God has plans for me, plans for me to prosper and have purpose. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
One of the other things that I have been processing in January is whether I should apply to go back to school. I did a visit to BGSU and have emailed inquiries also to UT. I am really trying to discern what it is I am longing for and what it is that God is wanting for me. I recently came across the Daniel Fast again. I hadn't looked into it much before but came across the website http://daniel-fast.com/. Because of this discerning stage I am in, I have decided to do this Daniel fast to help me bring focus to my searchings and to really seek out God in this. I continue to feel pulled in different directions - wanting to be available to my family, wanting my mind to be stimulated, wanting to make a difference, wanting to raise our food, wanting to contribute financially ... So knowing the right timing for things, what is for me right now in NW Ohio, what to prepare for in the future, how to support Jeff and the girls...
I don't feel restless, just wanting to pay attention to what is inside and desiring to have my purpose grow out of my relationship with the Lord, not asking God to come along side of me. I know God has plans for me, plans for me to prosper and have purpose. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Neutral
So today I have had a sense of calm that I haven't had for awhile. While the past weeks have had it's challenges, the space today I am in is to rest, to stop fighting and embrace this neutral zone. I believe this is a good step. I typically have the tape running in my head that "you can't steer a ship that's not moving", so I have found myself attempting to move forward, that is, trying to figure out the what's next. It inevitably ends with lots of good thoughts and no follow through, a continued fog.
For now I am content. Looking forward to celebrating Emily's birth this week, being with family, finding some books to read, putting pieces in the puzzle, listening, waiting, praying.
For now I am content. Looking forward to celebrating Emily's birth this week, being with family, finding some books to read, putting pieces in the puzzle, listening, waiting, praying.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Honesty
The past few days we have been without a computer and I have found myself wishing I could blog again and really I guess I just plain have to admit to my addiction to needing to check email, facebook, EMU website. Crazy how you realize how much you want to be connected. But I have also realized how much easier it has become to keep the communication at a distance. To really only want to keep communication close enough that no one needs to see what really is happening or how I am feeling.
So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things. One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry". I assured her that I do indeed cry. But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year. In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close. So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest. I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.
So tears have been common place in our house this week. From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving. This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard. The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me. I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music. It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me. I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet. I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more. And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc. I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering. Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there. A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired.
Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in. I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down. I realize I have been stuck. When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading. I have tried. I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them. It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with. I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had. Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.
I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow. I keep trusting that there is something in this time, just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time. How long do transitions take? Is it just time? Is it us being willing to let go? Is it being open to something new? I feel like we have been trying. I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.
So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things. One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry". I assured her that I do indeed cry. But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year. In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close. So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest. I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.
So tears have been common place in our house this week. From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving. This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard. The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me. I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music. It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me. I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet. I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more. And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc. I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering. Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there. A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired.
Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in. I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down. I realize I have been stuck. When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading. I have tried. I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them. It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with. I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had. Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.
I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow. I keep trusting that there is something in this time, just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time. How long do transitions take? Is it just time? Is it us being willing to let go? Is it being open to something new? I feel like we have been trying. I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.
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