Joy. A word that has come up a few times today already. A reminder of a prayer for joy from a dying friend (for Jeff) and Psalm 100 in my devotions today both are spurring me to this blog post. So as I sit in my hammock chair on the porch, listening to the chatter of the girls in the house and the chickens in the yard, our dog laying at my feet and my books and paper awaiting me on the table, I'm taking a time out to name this joy.
I can't believe my last post was in April!!! When I think of all that has happened since then, it's too much to write. I'll just say that it has been a full and wonderful summer. Kids have started the school year and all seem to be in a good space. This is truly something to be joyful about. As I mentioned in my last post I decided this year to try and write down 1000 blessings - my gratitude journal. This has been a wonderful exercise in looking for the joy in this place and time. Can't say that I have done it daily, but one day I will look back and see the many ways that God has been working and transforming me.
I mentioned the books and paper awaiting me and I mentioned all of us being in a good space. Both are tied together for me. Jeff described to someone that the Jan that he knew was back. I wonder if he'll always think that is a good thing, but it describes the change. So 3-4 weeks ago when I met with a friend for breakfast and she was asking about the transition and where I see my niche. I did my usual, things are fine but I really don't know where I will end up, there hasn't seemed to be many possibilities. I have my many interests in food, gardens, youth work, but somehow a transition in conversation was made to my work at the university and with students. What was crazy was I felt myself coming alive again. I went away from that breakfast with this passion ignited again. This time I had a strong urge that I wanted to just take a class and see how that feels. So I checked in at BGSU with the dept chair who I had worked with when I had applied to the Leadership Studies program in the winter (and was told that I needed more focus, try again next year). And here is the start of what has been a crazy ride. Within a two week time span after I made the first contact about inquiring to just take one class turned into, would you consider taking two classes if BG gives a tuition waiver for the second one, to you need to be full-time to get the waiver, to we decided to fully accept you into the doctoral program for Leadership Studies. So what started with a breakfast at Essenhaus has ended up a month later with being a doctoral student and now also working 20 hours on campus with the director of BG Perspective (the general education program). I describe it as the doors were flung wide open and I'd be crazy to not walk through them.
Back to Joy. There are many moments when I wonder if I can do this, if I can find my voice again, if this will be as good in a few months as it is now, if I really can focus. But there is an undeniable joy inside. A joy every time I walk on campus, a joy that our home seems to be settling into a groove, a joy that there is focus again, a joy that I know I do not walk this path alone - I feel a deep sense of God's leading and tremendous support from my family and others. I know this path will not be easy to walk, but I choose to walk it one day at a time. Where it ends up I don't know, whether I actually finish or not, does not matter to me - for now I choose to walk through the doors that have undeniably been opened.
Psalm 100:
Shout with joy to the Lord. Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God! He made us and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and bless his name. For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.
Giving thanks to God for this journey - for the past, the present and the future!
