So today I have had a sense of calm that I haven't had for awhile. While the past weeks have had it's challenges, the space today I am in is to rest, to stop fighting and embrace this neutral zone. I believe this is a good step. I typically have the tape running in my head that "you can't steer a ship that's not moving", so I have found myself attempting to move forward, that is, trying to figure out the what's next. It inevitably ends with lots of good thoughts and no follow through, a continued fog.
For now I am content. Looking forward to celebrating Emily's birth this week, being with family, finding some books to read, putting pieces in the puzzle, listening, waiting, praying.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Honesty
The past few days we have been without a computer and I have found myself wishing I could blog again and really I guess I just plain have to admit to my addiction to needing to check email, facebook, EMU website. Crazy how you realize how much you want to be connected. But I have also realized how much easier it has become to keep the communication at a distance. To really only want to keep communication close enough that no one needs to see what really is happening or how I am feeling.
So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things. One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry". I assured her that I do indeed cry. But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year. In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close. So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest. I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.
So tears have been common place in our house this week. From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving. This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard. The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me. I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music. It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me. I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet. I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more. And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc. I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering. Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there. A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired.
Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in. I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down. I realize I have been stuck. When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading. I have tried. I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them. It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with. I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had. Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.
I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow. I keep trusting that there is something in this time, just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time. How long do transitions take? Is it just time? Is it us being willing to let go? Is it being open to something new? I feel like we have been trying. I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.
So this blog today comes from the past month where I've been challenged by two people and called out on some things. One of my daughters said to me as she was struggling one night, "mom you never cry". I assured her that I do indeed cry. But I realized then that I haven't cried much in front of them, especially this past year. In a conversation with another friend, she knew my mantra is about people being real, and so asked if I have been real, why I don't let people get too close. So this entry is going to be an attempt at being real, to be honest. I guess I'm choosing this blog because it feels safer than actually talking to someone right now and because I secretly hope that everyone has given up on me blogging since it's been so long and won't actually read this.
So tears have been common place in our house this week. From hurtful things people/teammates/sisters/parents have said, to heavy conversations, to loneliness, to continued grieving. This morning a number of dynamics hit me hard. The cold wind and reality of winter coming just triggers me into my depression, knowing that I will have four long months ahead of me. I happened upon Emily's ipod and started listening to music. It has been a long time since I've had music speak to me. I realize how very long it has been since I feel like music has moved me to worship and drawn me to Jesus' feet. I have been empty and while I have tried to embrace the worship at church, I just really need more. And today I was reminded how much I long to be in worship that is authentic and not just words, the right order, the right songbook, etc. I want to be in a place that I can worship from my heart, that speaks to the depths of who I am, that goes beyond a Sunday gathering. Questioning whether church is even relevant or if there is any hope that what I long for will ever happen there. A lot of today was crying out to God - tired of feeling stuck, tired of not knowing what is here for me, tired of transition...I guess plain tired.
Here is where more honesty comes in, right now I don't want to let people in. I had been reading a book on Transitions and ended up putting it down. I realize I have been stuck. When I got to the part about in order to move forward I need to let go of the past, I quit reading. I have tried. I have wanted to let it go. The reality is this week when I was updating my resume' and I emailed my colleagues to put as references I realized how much I miss them, how much I felt valued, how much I enjoyed working with them. It's probably less about what I did and more about who I was with. I know I have conveniently forgotten the stress and challenges, but right now I just long for a place to connect, to find a place that has the quality of people and purpose as I had. Maybe in time I will be willing to open up and allow myself to attach to others again.
I guess as with all grief, tears can be healing, so today I have decided to just let them flow. I keep trusting that there is something in this time, just wishing for some signs of hope for me, for the girls as we struggle through this transition time. How long do transitions take? Is it just time? Is it us being willing to let go? Is it being open to something new? I feel like we have been trying. I guess being honest maybe is a step in the right direction...so here is step 1, hoping for step 2 and more to come.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Dixie Chicks
It's crazy how just a few animals have helped us to feel more at home. I am sure people think we are crazy, but in reality we are feeling more at peace. So within the past month we have added to our flock. Right after Labor day our meat chickens and laying hens arrived in the mail as day old chicks. We made a home for them in our garage until this past week. The middle of September then Jeff and a friends traveled to VA to bring home his cows. So once again Scarlet and Sylvie have joined us in Ohio along with Scarlet's latest calf, Virginia (Ginny). Since we don't have enough land here, we are renting some land about three miles away. Not ideal, but better than VA.
So as the weather became sunny again with warmer temps this week, we moved the meat chicks outside to the grass and finished the goat pen. So now Anya has her new goat, Dixie. The last thing yet to do, is get the laying hens pen made so we can move them outside as well. Now of course I'm trying to convince Jeff to get a pig yet, but that may be a little over the top for now. Okay if I must admit, I have also been trying to say that once we can find and afford a few more acres, that we should also get a few draft horses instead of a tractor. Why not try and eliminate the use of fuel and slow down the pace to enjoy being a part of creation. It's somewhat how I feel when I ride bike instead of driving a car. It's good for the soul.
So now I'm wondering what else might be good for the soul?
So as the weather became sunny again with warmer temps this week, we moved the meat chicks outside to the grass and finished the goat pen. So now Anya has her new goat, Dixie. The last thing yet to do, is get the laying hens pen made so we can move them outside as well. Now of course I'm trying to convince Jeff to get a pig yet, but that may be a little over the top for now. Okay if I must admit, I have also been trying to say that once we can find and afford a few more acres, that we should also get a few draft horses instead of a tractor. Why not try and eliminate the use of fuel and slow down the pace to enjoy being a part of creation. It's somewhat how I feel when I ride bike instead of driving a car. It's good for the soul.
Friday, September 9, 2011
End of Summer
This week marked the end of summer. The girls have started back to school after a long break. They ended May 20th and started back on Sept 7th. They are in a new school building that is wonderful (so much so that I walked in yesterday and said "I want to work here someday.") They were ready to be back in a routine, to see friends but also somewhat reserved, not sure what the new year will bring. So far so good. Emily is playing on the JV volleyball team, Kate on the 8th grade team and Anya is manager for the high school teams.
It has been raining for the past few days and now the sun is peaking out for the first time in a while. I guess that means that I should start working outside again. I have enjoyed a few days reprieve and reading some books, drinking tea interspersed with baking scones and bread. Today was a volunteer day at 10,000 Villages.
It also feels like the end of summer because the shelves are full - dill pickles are the winner this year with over 80 quarts. This week was more tomato pizza sauce, grape juice, pear jam, grape jelly, sour cherry jam. We're enjoying the end of the green beans that finally decided to produce. We hope to try out ,making ketchup and some things with green tomatoes yet. The limas should be ready soon along with the squash. We continue to enjoy watermelon and I'm excited to see the kale, swiss chard, lettuce and spinach up for the fall harvest.
It has been a good summer, filled with lots of memories. Looking forward to what fall will bring. I'm feeling in a good space, for which I am grateful. Still waiting to see what God reveals to me in this stage and am grateful to be embracing it.
It has been raining for the past few days and now the sun is peaking out for the first time in a while. I guess that means that I should start working outside again. I have enjoyed a few days reprieve and reading some books, drinking tea interspersed with baking scones and bread. Today was a volunteer day at 10,000 Villages.
It also feels like the end of summer because the shelves are full - dill pickles are the winner this year with over 80 quarts. This week was more tomato pizza sauce, grape juice, pear jam, grape jelly, sour cherry jam. We're enjoying the end of the green beans that finally decided to produce. We hope to try out ,making ketchup and some things with green tomatoes yet. The limas should be ready soon along with the squash. We continue to enjoy watermelon and I'm excited to see the kale, swiss chard, lettuce and spinach up for the fall harvest.
It has been a good summer, filled with lots of memories. Looking forward to what fall will bring. I'm feeling in a good space, for which I am grateful. Still waiting to see what God reveals to me in this stage and am grateful to be embracing it.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Breathe
So today has been the first day in what seems like a long time to go at a relaxed pace - no schedule commitment, no guests to host, just doing things at a pace that I want to work at. So I slept in a bit, washed some dishes, made some scones for breakfast, hung out with the girls as they each got up, mixed up some bread, listened to music, talked more with the girls, played a little volleyball. I'm looking forward to a bike ride, picking things in the garden, watching Em's scrimmage. Maybe I'll work at the tomatoes that are covering the table from the last two days, maybe it'll wait until tomorrow. Anya is with a friend, Kate and Em are outside reading/writing and Monika is at Sauder Village. So now it's just me with the silence and the smell of freshly baked whole wheat flax bread.
What a gift to just enjoy the silence. I remember longing for the silence of the mornings when milking cows when I was working full-time. This past winter I fought that silence, longing for something meaningful to engage in. This summer I have fully enjoyed the gift to be home with the girls but I realize that I was gone a lot these past six weeks, I have offered to help with a variety of projects on top of keeping up (well not really, but attempting to) with the garden. I recognize that when the busy times come it's so easy to lose focus and not be aware of God's presence. So I'm trying to take some deep breaths and listen again, to be attentive to God's voice and remind myself that I do not walk this journey alone.
"When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, the Lord, will answer them. I, the God of Isreal, will never forsake them. I will open up rivers for them on high plateaus, I will give them fountains of water in the valleys. In the deserts they will find pools of water. Rivers fed by springs will flow across the dry, parched ground. I will plant trees--cedar, acacia, myrtle, olive, cypress, fir, and pine--on barren land. Everyone will see this miracle and understand that it is the Lord, the Holy One of Isreal, who did it." Isaiah 41:17-20
What a gift to just enjoy the silence. I remember longing for the silence of the mornings when milking cows when I was working full-time. This past winter I fought that silence, longing for something meaningful to engage in. This summer I have fully enjoyed the gift to be home with the girls but I realize that I was gone a lot these past six weeks, I have offered to help with a variety of projects on top of keeping up (well not really, but attempting to) with the garden. I recognize that when the busy times come it's so easy to lose focus and not be aware of God's presence. So I'm trying to take some deep breaths and listen again, to be attentive to God's voice and remind myself that I do not walk this journey alone.
"When the poor and needy search for water and there is none, and their tongues are parched from thirst, then I, the Lord, will answer them. I, the God of Isreal, will never forsake them. I will open up rivers for them on high plateaus, I will give them fountains of water in the valleys. In the deserts they will find pools of water. Rivers fed by springs will flow across the dry, parched ground. I will plant trees--cedar, acacia, myrtle, olive, cypress, fir, and pine--on barren land. Everyone will see this miracle and understand that it is the Lord, the Holy One of Isreal, who did it." Isaiah 41:17-20
Sunday, July 24, 2011
20 YEARS
So Jeff and I celebrated our 20th anniversary this past week. Months back we toyed with the idea to do something far away like St. John's Island or something like that, but to be honest for the past six months trying to get myself to think ahead and plan seemed impossible. We would often talk about what we would want to do together on Monday's during Jeff's day off but as it got closer the more we settled on going to Traverse City in Michigan. This was a town we had hoped to get to on our bike trip in Michigan three years ago, but chose an alternate route due to weather. We decided to book a hotel room for the first night and then just wing it from there.
So this was the week to celebrate. We left on Wednesday morning right on time, heading north. We enjoyed some good conversation, a little shopping and lunch on the way. We found Traverse City to be a neat area with lots of shopping, cafes, beachfront - all very touristy though. In the evening we decided to take a drive up the Old Mission Penisula to see the sunset from that side. We drove past lots of big homes on the Bay and a lot of orchards. The next morning we both sat out by the water doing some reading and enjoying the calm of the morning. From here we had no set direction. I had really wanted to see some of the Lelanau Penisula and I knew that there was a bike trail heading north, so my dear husband so graciously parked and got the bikes ready for the ride. It was a nice trail to ride on but eventually it wasn't paved and we decided to not keep going so we turned back around and finished the tour in the vehicle. Again, we enjoyed a little cafe in Suttons Bay and some good views of the Bay on the east side and then Lake Michigan on the west side. We had decided to not return to Traverse City that night and to find something on the coast to again see a good sunset. We took a little break in the afternoon to enjoy Sleeping Bear Dunes, doing some hiking and sightseeing. By 5:00 we arrived at Frankfort and decided to stay the night there. This was our favorite location. A small town, a walk to everything - shops, food, beach. We got some pizza and ate it along the harbor with the boats and swans to watch. We headed then towards the beach area and walked out a pier to the lighthouse and then found our way to another less traveled pier to watch the sunset.
The next morning I went out exploring on my own while Jeff did some reading. I rode bike to the next town, Elberta, and then found a great bike trail that was at points along a river. That was a highlight for me, discovering a new area, a great morning ride and some quiet and beautiful sights. We found this area to be so refreshing. We had a recommendation to visit a few places that turned out to be our favorites - Trick Dog cafe, drinking an Italian soda, iced green tea and an apricot scone; Gwen Frostic studio - a place that was so inspiring seeing her artwork of nature, the layout of the building-embracing the natural setting it was in and enjoying reading a bit about her life and some of her books; then took a canoe ride on the river for a couple of hours - listening to the birds and enjoying the time in nature (we didn't see any signs of people until right at the end).
So while we enjoyed our time together discovering new things it was a good reminder to me of how important it is to spend time together. That it really goes beyond just being together - I think we all know how to co-exist and keep things functioning on the day to day. What I wasn't prepared for was the mix of emotions that would come up for me throughout the week.
Recently at a seminar on marriage at the Pittsburgh convention a few points resonated with me this week, such as, "intimacy exposes things in myself (good & bad) that we need to face" and we need to "be willing to feel the hard emotions". One would think that on an anniversary trip that it would be all happy and exciting. It was those emotions but it was also sad and lonely at times. Why are relationships so challenging and rewarding? Why is being real so emotional and yet draw you closer? I just read a book talking about finding your passion and purpose in life. On the journey one needs to go through a preparing, planting, growth and then harvest stage. On this journey you need to press through the trials to reach the harvesting stage and for many it's easier to get out and never experience the true joy. Same is true in relationships. It is about being vulnerable, being respectful, honoring the other, willingness to let go of some things (fears) and choosing to stay facing each other along the way.
While most of my "stuff" this week was my own personal stuff I am grateful for a husband who I never question whether he will choose to stay, whether he will love, honor and respect me. And that is what keeps this marriage thriving, not just surviving. For each day I am grateful, for each year I am amazed that the love keeps growing deeper and I look forward to all that is to come! I love you Jeff!!
So this was the week to celebrate. We left on Wednesday morning right on time, heading north. We enjoyed some good conversation, a little shopping and lunch on the way. We found Traverse City to be a neat area with lots of shopping, cafes, beachfront - all very touristy though. In the evening we decided to take a drive up the Old Mission Penisula to see the sunset from that side. We drove past lots of big homes on the Bay and a lot of orchards. The next morning we both sat out by the water doing some reading and enjoying the calm of the morning. From here we had no set direction. I had really wanted to see some of the Lelanau Penisula and I knew that there was a bike trail heading north, so my dear husband so graciously parked and got the bikes ready for the ride. It was a nice trail to ride on but eventually it wasn't paved and we decided to not keep going so we turned back around and finished the tour in the vehicle. Again, we enjoyed a little cafe in Suttons Bay and some good views of the Bay on the east side and then Lake Michigan on the west side. We had decided to not return to Traverse City that night and to find something on the coast to again see a good sunset. We took a little break in the afternoon to enjoy Sleeping Bear Dunes, doing some hiking and sightseeing. By 5:00 we arrived at Frankfort and decided to stay the night there. This was our favorite location. A small town, a walk to everything - shops, food, beach. We got some pizza and ate it along the harbor with the boats and swans to watch. We headed then towards the beach area and walked out a pier to the lighthouse and then found our way to another less traveled pier to watch the sunset.
The next morning I went out exploring on my own while Jeff did some reading. I rode bike to the next town, Elberta, and then found a great bike trail that was at points along a river. That was a highlight for me, discovering a new area, a great morning ride and some quiet and beautiful sights. We found this area to be so refreshing. We had a recommendation to visit a few places that turned out to be our favorites - Trick Dog cafe, drinking an Italian soda, iced green tea and an apricot scone; Gwen Frostic studio - a place that was so inspiring seeing her artwork of nature, the layout of the building-embracing the natural setting it was in and enjoying reading a bit about her life and some of her books; then took a canoe ride on the river for a couple of hours - listening to the birds and enjoying the time in nature (we didn't see any signs of people until right at the end).
So while we enjoyed our time together discovering new things it was a good reminder to me of how important it is to spend time together. That it really goes beyond just being together - I think we all know how to co-exist and keep things functioning on the day to day. What I wasn't prepared for was the mix of emotions that would come up for me throughout the week.
Recently at a seminar on marriage at the Pittsburgh convention a few points resonated with me this week, such as, "intimacy exposes things in myself (good & bad) that we need to face" and we need to "be willing to feel the hard emotions". One would think that on an anniversary trip that it would be all happy and exciting. It was those emotions but it was also sad and lonely at times. Why are relationships so challenging and rewarding? Why is being real so emotional and yet draw you closer? I just read a book talking about finding your passion and purpose in life. On the journey one needs to go through a preparing, planting, growth and then harvest stage. On this journey you need to press through the trials to reach the harvesting stage and for many it's easier to get out and never experience the true joy. Same is true in relationships. It is about being vulnerable, being respectful, honoring the other, willingness to let go of some things (fears) and choosing to stay facing each other along the way.
While most of my "stuff" this week was my own personal stuff I am grateful for a husband who I never question whether he will choose to stay, whether he will love, honor and respect me. And that is what keeps this marriage thriving, not just surviving. For each day I am grateful, for each year I am amazed that the love keeps growing deeper and I look forward to all that is to come! I love you Jeff!!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Finally
So I have finally decided to just take the time to write. It's 97 degrees outside and I thought that just maybe it would be good to stay inside for a while. The week has been filled with lots of work in the garden, flower beds, making food, playing vb (Jeff finished the poles so we could put up the net), and now getting ready to be gone for the next week.
I'm not sure why I haven't been drawn to the computer and this blog, but I was so excited when I got home from the garden this morning with all the lettuce and new carrots, I couldn't resist getting out the camera. Thus, the prompting for the new post. I hope to take 16 bags of buttercrunch lettuce & arugula to church tomorrow for everyone to enjoy, along with some freshly picked carrots. What a treat!
One of the things that we have been grappling with recently is whether to try and find a little extra land so that Jeff can bring his cow & calf here or to try and find a way to get our two acres here to work for us. While I have appreciated the opportunity to have a garden within biking distance it would be really nice to have something more here. The challenge is that all of our land is out to the front of our house and we haven't felt that turning the front yard into a garden or pasture would be the best, but we also wrestle with mowing so much. So we continue to think through what might work here. Hopefully in the future we will be able to find a way to have chickens and goats again, even if it's small scale. It will also be my desire to create more garden spaces here. This week I happened upon a website "Grow Pittsburgh". I found myself exploring other links and came across a site that showed how there are now some Panera Bread locations that have a donation site where food is placed on a counter with only a donation box, so that people can pay what they can/want. It mentioned that some people will give more and others less. Some may not have the cash, but donate some time to help in the back with some work. Regardless it doesn't matter what one can give, it's meant to provide food for all people. That is my dream. To offer food to everyone, with no expectation of cost. So maybe, just maybe you will someday see in our front yard a garden where the harvested food is set out on a stand with only a donation box. And, that there will be friends made, when someone decides to pull a few weeds in exchange for the fresh food.  | |||||||
| Lettuce and carrots!! |
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
A Good Day
It has been a good day. Probably one of the best spring days yet. The sun shone all day. There was little wind. I worked in the gardens and got dirt in my fingernails. I went for a bike ride. I enjoyed seeing the blooming trees (finally). I had lunch with my husband and the staff at church. Anya had a friend over. Watched Emily's softball game. And ended it with our first campfire of the season!!
Took pictures with Kate. That is what I will call a good day.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Buckets and bonding
So it all started around 5:00 am when the thunderstorm woke us up. Soon we hear the jingle of Jessie's collar come down the hallway and into our room. Jessie is not a fan of storms. The other night we couldn't keep her in the kitchen so Anya took her bean bag out to the kitchen to sleep with her there.
It wasn't long til the girls were up, a bit scared and then the electricity went off. Soon an alarm begins to go off in the basement. We knew right away it was the alarm to let us know the water in the sump well had gotten too high. So the hauling began. After some hustle to find headlamps and buckets, the bailing began. It took us a bit to organize the troops, but after finding candles and towels we developed a system to haul the buckets full of water to the bathroom shower and dumped it down the drain. Jeff took a break to call the power company and found out that the power should be back by 7:30. Let's just say that wasn't quite the answer everyone was hoping for.
We had known that the sump pump had been working quite a bit with all of this rain, so it was a constant dipping of water just to keep the water from overflowing into the basement. Once we got into the routine, each of the girls took breaks to sleep for spurts. Unfortunately each of them have a day full of tests today.
Once it got light out we switched to hauling the water outside. It was soon after 7:30 then that the electric was back on. There was a great shout of gratefulness to have this luxury of power again. It does remind me of how many countries there are that lose power on a daily basis. It is something that we take so for granted.
We also struggled with how much water we were just throwing out. We thought of Haiti and Japan that could so benefit from all that water. Why is it that what others so desperately need, we often will just throw away without ever thinking twice about it.
So there were a lot of wet clothes and towels, sore fingers and backs, but each one helped out so much and we couldn't have done it without everyone's help. So let's just say that Jeff has already made the call to get a battery back-up. Hopefully this will be a one-time bonding, memory making experience.
It wasn't long til the girls were up, a bit scared and then the electricity went off. Soon an alarm begins to go off in the basement. We knew right away it was the alarm to let us know the water in the sump well had gotten too high. So the hauling began. After some hustle to find headlamps and buckets, the bailing began. It took us a bit to organize the troops, but after finding candles and towels we developed a system to haul the buckets full of water to the bathroom shower and dumped it down the drain. Jeff took a break to call the power company and found out that the power should be back by 7:30. Let's just say that wasn't quite the answer everyone was hoping for.
We had known that the sump pump had been working quite a bit with all of this rain, so it was a constant dipping of water just to keep the water from overflowing into the basement. Once we got into the routine, each of the girls took breaks to sleep for spurts. Unfortunately each of them have a day full of tests today.
Once it got light out we switched to hauling the water outside. It was soon after 7:30 then that the electric was back on. There was a great shout of gratefulness to have this luxury of power again. It does remind me of how many countries there are that lose power on a daily basis. It is something that we take so for granted.
We also struggled with how much water we were just throwing out. We thought of Haiti and Japan that could so benefit from all that water. Why is it that what others so desperately need, we often will just throw away without ever thinking twice about it.
So there were a lot of wet clothes and towels, sore fingers and backs, but each one helped out so much and we couldn't have done it without everyone's help. So let's just say that Jeff has already made the call to get a battery back-up. Hopefully this will be a one-time bonding, memory making experience.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sun, Soil, Seeds
I suppose it's a bit dangerous to get this girl outside when the sun is shining and there is fertile soil with rows already made and seeds purchased to be planted. Jeff and I have been working to prepare some garden plots at our place in preparation for the veggies, strawberries, asparagus, raspberries and black raspberry plants. I have also this week been at the Wyse garden plot that I am also planting in. It's the biggest garden area I have ever had access to :) While I am thoroughly enjoying it now, I"m sure at some point this summer I will wonder why I felt the need to plant so many pea seeds, etc. Let's just say that one double row wasn't quite enough space for 1# of peas. And I have another 1# of another variety and 5#'s of snow peas (I've planted maybe 1/3 of the bag at this point). I also planted 22# of potatoes today along with some spinach, lettuce, carrots and beets.
I started all of this planting on Tuesday and finished up today. Good thing because it's calling for rain for the next while. I still have some greensand to put on our home garden and do another tilling (hopefully tonight yet). Typically I'd probably be overwhelmed by this amount of garden, but for this year, it's exactly what I need. We have never gotten enough peas to last us long into the winter, so hopefully this year we will be supplied along with other people.
The other thing that the sun, soil and seeds did for me today was spurred some thoughts that I'm sure have been ruminating in my head for awhile and for some reason today God wanted them to re-emerge. We'll see if they take root and grow. They were strong enough that when I got home I started writing them down. This is some of the list that got started.
Garden Thoughts - 3/31/11
1. I'm finding myself eager to learn again - to grow (maybe it's time to really think about more school)
2. I'm needing/wanting to earn some income (maybe an assistantship at a university)
3. I know Jeff really wants to do some farming again - How can I support that? (now and in the future?)
4. I love to be outside and in a garden (ie. having summers off)
5. I do enjoy an academic setting/schedule
6. I am committed to and believe in the Mennonite church & schools
7. I enjoy leadership - developing leaders and seeing them succeed
8. Asking myself - what interests should I hone in on? What am I passionate about? Where do I see myself in the future?
So I've been asking myself what are things that I am interested in? Here is my list so far. For those of you who know me and want to suggest some other things that you know me to have passion/interest/gifts in at some point, feel free to comment.
Student development/leadership, staff/team development, education, 1st year experiences, mentoring/1-1 counseling, Mennonite schools, restorative justice, coaching, gardening/sustainability, retention in schools/jobs, experiential learning, balance & boundaries/personal care, healthy relationships/marriages...
So I don't know if these thoughts are directing me to some research ideas, but I have wondered again now if I should look into going on in schooling...not sure, still testing the waters. If there are any suggestions anyone wants to send my way, I'd love to hear what thoughts have come to your mind. Thanks.
I started all of this planting on Tuesday and finished up today. Good thing because it's calling for rain for the next while. I still have some greensand to put on our home garden and do another tilling (hopefully tonight yet). Typically I'd probably be overwhelmed by this amount of garden, but for this year, it's exactly what I need. We have never gotten enough peas to last us long into the winter, so hopefully this year we will be supplied along with other people.
The other thing that the sun, soil and seeds did for me today was spurred some thoughts that I'm sure have been ruminating in my head for awhile and for some reason today God wanted them to re-emerge. We'll see if they take root and grow. They were strong enough that when I got home I started writing them down. This is some of the list that got started.
Garden Thoughts - 3/31/11
1. I'm finding myself eager to learn again - to grow (maybe it's time to really think about more school)
2. I'm needing/wanting to earn some income (maybe an assistantship at a university)
3. I know Jeff really wants to do some farming again - How can I support that? (now and in the future?)
4. I love to be outside and in a garden (ie. having summers off)
5. I do enjoy an academic setting/schedule
6. I am committed to and believe in the Mennonite church & schools
7. I enjoy leadership - developing leaders and seeing them succeed
8. Asking myself - what interests should I hone in on? What am I passionate about? Where do I see myself in the future?
So I've been asking myself what are things that I am interested in? Here is my list so far. For those of you who know me and want to suggest some other things that you know me to have passion/interest/gifts in at some point, feel free to comment.
Student development/leadership, staff/team development, education, 1st year experiences, mentoring/1-1 counseling, Mennonite schools, restorative justice, coaching, gardening/sustainability, retention in schools/jobs, experiential learning, balance & boundaries/personal care, healthy relationships/marriages...
So I don't know if these thoughts are directing me to some research ideas, but I have wondered again now if I should look into going on in schooling...not sure, still testing the waters. If there are any suggestions anyone wants to send my way, I'd love to hear what thoughts have come to your mind. Thanks.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
How Deep The Father's Love for Us
Many times throughout the week a song from church on Sunday or another song would come to mind. The words would bring comfort and an awareness of Christ's presence with me. Many times I would hum a tune while walking or at random times throughout the day. Music expresses so much for me. While I am grateful for the positive, worshipful times through praise songs, I also remember the negative aspects of music in my younger days.
Lately my soul has been dry and no songs have come. So when the tune to this song came to me yesterday, I felt a warmth within. It took until this morning for the words to come. Thanks to the use of the internet I was able to type in a phrase and it brought up the lyrics for me. Then even better I saw this youtube video that brought the words and music together. As I watched the video, tears started to flow. Tears for the song in my heart again and tears for the powerful message.
By Stuart Townend
How Deep The Father's Love for Us
How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss, the Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One, bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life; I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything: no gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ; His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart: His wounds have paid my ransom
To also hear this wonderful song go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjD0lv8hx5o
I keep trusting that as I open myself up to the refining and shaping that God is doing within me, that I will continually be brought to the foot of the cross, allowing myself to soak in the Father's love for me.
Lately my soul has been dry and no songs have come. So when the tune to this song came to me yesterday, I felt a warmth within. It took until this morning for the words to come. Thanks to the use of the internet I was able to type in a phrase and it brought up the lyrics for me. Then even better I saw this youtube video that brought the words and music together. As I watched the video, tears started to flow. Tears for the song in my heart again and tears for the powerful message.
By Stuart Townend
How Deep The Father's Love for Us
How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son, to make a wretch His treasure
How great the pain of searing loss, the Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One, bring many sons to glory
Behold the Man upon a cross, my sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers
It was my sin that held Him there until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life; I know that it is finished
I will not boast in anything: no gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ; His death and resurrection
Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart: His wounds have paid my ransom
To also hear this wonderful song go to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjD0lv8hx5o
I keep trusting that as I open myself up to the refining and shaping that God is doing within me, that I will continually be brought to the foot of the cross, allowing myself to soak in the Father's love for me.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Head Bowed, Hands Open
There has been an unsettledness within me. An inability to focus. A feeling of shame. As I have been reflecting on why I keep going back to this past weekend and feel convicted of some things I said, I remember speaking words that came from a judgemental spirit. Words spoken to persons of faith that I care about. I apologized the next day for what I had said and that I shouldn't have been so judgemental. But for some reason it still sits with me.
As I participated in our Ash Wednesday service, the start of the 40 days of Lent, I was reminded of the importance of opening ourselves to the work of God in our lives, to have the posture of head bowed and hands held open. It's more than just "giving something up for lent" it's also about having an openness to the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit. This is what I desire, but I'm not sure I like what I am feeling in the midst of this.
In my devotions this morning it was titled, "Why can't we all just get along?" It starts with, "It's amazing how people deeply committed to serving Jesus disagree about the most basic issues." My comments from the weekend were about different college choices and found myself making strong statements about church affiliated schools based on some very limited interactions I had with some people or from what I had heard somewhere or because of the faith they are affiliated with. How arrogant of me. I just stereotyped people. I assumed that my experience 20 years ago would still hold true today... I held no illusions that the Mennonite colleges were perfect and really the conversation was much more than college choices, I found myself being judgemental about faith.
Romans 14 talks about how we might see things differently (what is okay to eat, what day is holy) and that we shouldn't condemn each other for what we believe and that we shouldn't become a stumbling block for the other. vs. 13 So don't condemn each other anymore. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not put an obstacle in another Christian's path. vs 17 For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit...so then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.
So while this unsettledness continues inside of me I want to come before the Lord with my head bowed and hands open to be cleansed deep within me. I feel yucky and disappointed in myself but I truly want a new and right spirit within me. I don't like to live in conflict so I quickly jump to what it takes to live in harmony. But I also realize that what needs to take place in the space in the middle is important and is necessary for me to become refined, molded by Christ. In the end I hope to have my arms outstretched and my head help up giving praise to God for the new life within me.
As I participated in our Ash Wednesday service, the start of the 40 days of Lent, I was reminded of the importance of opening ourselves to the work of God in our lives, to have the posture of head bowed and hands held open. It's more than just "giving something up for lent" it's also about having an openness to the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit. This is what I desire, but I'm not sure I like what I am feeling in the midst of this.
In my devotions this morning it was titled, "Why can't we all just get along?" It starts with, "It's amazing how people deeply committed to serving Jesus disagree about the most basic issues." My comments from the weekend were about different college choices and found myself making strong statements about church affiliated schools based on some very limited interactions I had with some people or from what I had heard somewhere or because of the faith they are affiliated with. How arrogant of me. I just stereotyped people. I assumed that my experience 20 years ago would still hold true today... I held no illusions that the Mennonite colleges were perfect and really the conversation was much more than college choices, I found myself being judgemental about faith.
Romans 14 talks about how we might see things differently (what is okay to eat, what day is holy) and that we shouldn't condemn each other for what we believe and that we shouldn't become a stumbling block for the other. vs. 13 So don't condemn each other anymore. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not put an obstacle in another Christian's path. vs 17 For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit...so then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.
So while this unsettledness continues inside of me I want to come before the Lord with my head bowed and hands open to be cleansed deep within me. I feel yucky and disappointed in myself but I truly want a new and right spirit within me. I don't like to live in conflict so I quickly jump to what it takes to live in harmony. But I also realize that what needs to take place in the space in the middle is important and is necessary for me to become refined, molded by Christ. In the end I hope to have my arms outstretched and my head help up giving praise to God for the new life within me.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Good Books
So one benefit of this transition is the chance to read. I would never have said that I enjoyed reading. In fact many of the books the girls read at school, I have never read. I have to wonder what my parents would say about this, but I'm assuming that I just rathered being outside with the animals, playing with cousins/friends, working in the barn, playing sports - who had time to read.
In my adult years I would find some time to pick up a book that my mother-in-law or a friend would recommend Secret Life of Bees or Stones into Schools. I typically found myself interested in leadership books like Good to Great or Five Dysfunctions of a Team. I also am drawn to books on gardening/food like Four Season Harvests or Animal, Vegetable, Miracle or Local Choices. But anymore I'm more brave to pick up a book at the library and give it a try. Two books recently were The Dirty Life (a woman's choice to move on a farm and the challenges with living sustainably) and On the Right Track (from olympic downfall to finding forgiveness and the strength to overcome and succeed). Both books were good in their own way, recognizing with our choices come consequences--some positive, some negative. We can allow the negative to overwhelm us, suck us dry or choose a different lens to look through and appreciate what we have learned through the tough stuff.
Whether the books are fiction or non-fiction I find myself drawn into the story. If you ask Jeff, my moods tend to take on what I am reading or that I ask him random questions that stem from something brought up in a book. I think what has impacted me the most is this desire to have purpose, to make a difference.
So I am inspired again to live with intention. To care about where my food comes from, to decrease waste, to live with integrity, to appreciate life, etc. I don't have to do something big like Greg Mortenson and build schools in Afghanastan in the hardest to reach places so that girls can get an education or even like Marion Jones who now plays in the WNBA and speaks to audiences on "Take a Break", to think before telling a lie, to seek out good advice, to act with integrity and take responsibility.
I am challenged to embrace today and to discover the ways that God wants to use me now. As I have been floundering with this new stage of life I am reminded again that as I seek first the kingdom of God, as I sit at Jesus' feet, I won't need to figure this out on my own. God knows the plans he has for me. I also know that there is a lot of transforming that He wants to do in me. For today I rest in God's loving arms, wanting to be attentive to His voice and leading.
In my adult years I would find some time to pick up a book that my mother-in-law or a friend would recommend Secret Life of Bees or Stones into Schools. I typically found myself interested in leadership books like Good to Great or Five Dysfunctions of a Team. I also am drawn to books on gardening/food like Four Season Harvests or Animal, Vegetable, Miracle or Local Choices. But anymore I'm more brave to pick up a book at the library and give it a try. Two books recently were The Dirty Life (a woman's choice to move on a farm and the challenges with living sustainably) and On the Right Track (from olympic downfall to finding forgiveness and the strength to overcome and succeed). Both books were good in their own way, recognizing with our choices come consequences--some positive, some negative. We can allow the negative to overwhelm us, suck us dry or choose a different lens to look through and appreciate what we have learned through the tough stuff.
Whether the books are fiction or non-fiction I find myself drawn into the story. If you ask Jeff, my moods tend to take on what I am reading or that I ask him random questions that stem from something brought up in a book. I think what has impacted me the most is this desire to have purpose, to make a difference.
So I am inspired again to live with intention. To care about where my food comes from, to decrease waste, to live with integrity, to appreciate life, etc. I don't have to do something big like Greg Mortenson and build schools in Afghanastan in the hardest to reach places so that girls can get an education or even like Marion Jones who now plays in the WNBA and speaks to audiences on "Take a Break", to think before telling a lie, to seek out good advice, to act with integrity and take responsibility.
I am challenged to embrace today and to discover the ways that God wants to use me now. As I have been floundering with this new stage of life I am reminded again that as I seek first the kingdom of God, as I sit at Jesus' feet, I won't need to figure this out on my own. God knows the plans he has for me. I also know that there is a lot of transforming that He wants to do in me. For today I rest in God's loving arms, wanting to be attentive to His voice and leading.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A Taste of Spring
50 degrees and sunshine. What would be better on a day like this than to dig in the soil and ride a bike! I decided this morning when I noticed that most of the snow had melted that I would try and plant some of the bulbs that I had brought with me from VA. I also had decided that I would take a bike ride. I thought both of these things would be doable after the sun had come out and warmed it up to 50. So after mixing up bread and doing some cleaning I decided I would ride my bike to the bulk food store to get a few things. I pumped up the tires, found my helmet and headed out. So whether I was oblivious to the wind or I didn't realize how sheltered we are with the trees, I was in for shock when I turned into the wind. Let's just say that VA has mountains and Ohio has wind. I got a good leg workout as I pedaled into the wind, going 6 mph. I got my items at the store and headed home. I was grateful that I could enjoy the ride home, riding with the wind most of the way. So whether I was stupid or just determined I'm not sure. But it felt good to get out on the road.
After lunch I found my digger and the box of bulbs and went out to see where I could dig. I was pleasantly surprised to find the sandy soil to be dark and easy to plant in. So again whether I am stupid for thinking it's okay to plant at this point or just determined to get some dirt in my fingernails, it doesn't matter, because that was the best therapy I could have for today :)
For now I'm thankful for warmer weather, even though it will go away soon. I will look forward to seeing the bulbs emerge later (hopefully in a month) and to riding my bike again soon. Thanks God for the reprieve from the cold winter.
After lunch I found my digger and the box of bulbs and went out to see where I could dig. I was pleasantly surprised to find the sandy soil to be dark and easy to plant in. So again whether I am stupid for thinking it's okay to plant at this point or just determined to get some dirt in my fingernails, it doesn't matter, because that was the best therapy I could have for today :)
For now I'm thankful for warmer weather, even though it will go away soon. I will look forward to seeing the bulbs emerge later (hopefully in a month) and to riding my bike again soon. Thanks God for the reprieve from the cold winter.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Visit from Friends/Family
My sister, Kandace & Anya enjoying the snow last weekend.
Kandace is a massage therapist :)
Deep thoughts by Chad & Jeff
Ginny & Anya eating icicles
Making naan bread for personal pizzas, while the parents go out to eat.
Kate, Ginny, Anya & Clint
Their wonderful creations
Emily & Carmen contemplating card making
The sun is shining, it's 43 degrees, we just had a great visit with good friends - Chad, Carmen, Ginny & Clint from VA and I'm sitting in the recliner chair soaking in the warmth. I'm having this tug of war of whether I want to sit and read a book "Authentic Leadership" or go out for a walk. Both are drawing me - it's refreshing to read good writing on leadership but I also so want to soak in the sun while it's here. I'm guessing the reason for the tension is because I'm recognizing I need both in my life right now.
Today I had a precious person in church say to me, "We always ask how the girls are doing, how Jeff is transitioning, but I just want you to know that I'm praying for you too. I know you gave up a lot to come here." Of course I want to play it down, but it meant an awful lot for someone to recognize again that I left a very meaningful job and a place I loved.
I remember the year that Anya went to kindergarten and I decided that I would take a year to myself before I started back to work. In that year I felt that God was preparing me for something, I didn't know what but I could sense that something was on the horizon.
Typically I want to rush the winter season away and get to spring so that I can get my hands in the dirt again. But I know in my head that the winter snows and cold is all needed to prepare the soil for another year of harvest. I just need to allow this head knowledge to settle into my heart and rest knowing that this "winter season" for me now is necessary to prepare me for the future harvest. While I want to appreciate the time to do what I want, I wonder what the needs are of others and how I can shine Christ's light in other places.
I mentioned to this person at church that I'm wanting to be patient and know that God will be showing me what is next. It would just be nice to know how I could be preparing for what is next - what books could I be reading, what places to volunteer for some experience, etc. It's obvious to me that I always feel like I need to be "doing" and probably right now I just need to "be".
So for now I'll keep trying new bread recipes, plan for the garden, watch the birds, listen to praise and worship songs, read random books, do lunch with new friends, walk to the post office & school, visit my parents, host friends/family, pray for others...I do also have to say that I am eagerly anticpating the birds migrating through and visiting our feeders and the warm weather to warm up the soil so that I can start to plant and watch the flower gardens emerge.
So for now maybe I'll go for a walk and then come in make a cup of tea and enjoy my book :)
Today I had a precious person in church say to me, "We always ask how the girls are doing, how Jeff is transitioning, but I just want you to know that I'm praying for you too. I know you gave up a lot to come here." Of course I want to play it down, but it meant an awful lot for someone to recognize again that I left a very meaningful job and a place I loved.
I remember the year that Anya went to kindergarten and I decided that I would take a year to myself before I started back to work. In that year I felt that God was preparing me for something, I didn't know what but I could sense that something was on the horizon.
Typically I want to rush the winter season away and get to spring so that I can get my hands in the dirt again. But I know in my head that the winter snows and cold is all needed to prepare the soil for another year of harvest. I just need to allow this head knowledge to settle into my heart and rest knowing that this "winter season" for me now is necessary to prepare me for the future harvest. While I want to appreciate the time to do what I want, I wonder what the needs are of others and how I can shine Christ's light in other places.
I mentioned to this person at church that I'm wanting to be patient and know that God will be showing me what is next. It would just be nice to know how I could be preparing for what is next - what books could I be reading, what places to volunteer for some experience, etc. It's obvious to me that I always feel like I need to be "doing" and probably right now I just need to "be".
So for now I'll keep trying new bread recipes, plan for the garden, watch the birds, listen to praise and worship songs, read random books, do lunch with new friends, walk to the post office & school, visit my parents, host friends/family, pray for others...I do also have to say that I am eagerly anticpating the birds migrating through and visiting our feeders and the warm weather to warm up the soil so that I can start to plant and watch the flower gardens emerge.
So for now maybe I'll go for a walk and then come in make a cup of tea and enjoy my book :)
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Mesmerized
Blizzard Warning...Gusting Winds...Power Outage potential...stock up on supplies.
This is what we started hearing a few days ago about the upcoming storm. It was to start slowly on Monday night, a lull Tuesday morning and then it would hit. We had about 2 inches of snow by Tuesday morning and then really nothing until last evening when the winds kicked in. It definately felt like a blizzard. I was starting to second guess why I didn't let Jeff go out and buy a secondary source of heat for us in case the electricity went out. Instead I crawled into bed and prayed that it wouldn't be that bad.
This morning when I took Jessie out we walked through some snow drifts that had accumulated on our drive but was amazed at how little snow we really got and that it was mostly just blowing existing snow around. Of course the drifts were close to anything where there was something to stop the wind, so we have drifts by our garage and in our backyard amongst the trees.
So not more than 20 minutes later as I'm eating breakfast, I look out and the snow had started to come. So I've joined Jeff on the couch that looks out the living room windows and am sitting watching the snow fall. Big flakes. Dropping straight down. I find myself mesmerized by it, just like when I sit at a campfire and watch the flames.
To celebrate Jeff's installation service this weekend we got him another bird feeder. We put this one closer to the house and within two days the birds have started to use it. So while watching the snow fall we are also watching the birds flitting from tree to bird feeder to tree to the ground and back. The Dark Eyed Juncos are as numerous here as the sparrows were in Virginia. I commented to Jeff today that we don't have sparrows and wouldn't you know soon after that a house sparrow came to the close feeder for me to see :) I think we're going to start a bird list. Mostly we have the Juncos, Blue Jays and Cardinals. Jeff thinks he's seen snow buntings in the field but they haven't come to our place yet. We've also had a Coopers hawk and another big one that we weren't able to identify.
Well I'm off to brave the outdoors to clean the snow off the feeder so that they can get to the seed again. Then I'll be back inside, on the couch, mesmerized by the big flakes, the beautiful red of the Cardinal and closeness of the birds to our feeders. I'm not sure much will get done today. Pretty sure that's okay.
This is what we started hearing a few days ago about the upcoming storm. It was to start slowly on Monday night, a lull Tuesday morning and then it would hit. We had about 2 inches of snow by Tuesday morning and then really nothing until last evening when the winds kicked in. It definately felt like a blizzard. I was starting to second guess why I didn't let Jeff go out and buy a secondary source of heat for us in case the electricity went out. Instead I crawled into bed and prayed that it wouldn't be that bad.
This morning when I took Jessie out we walked through some snow drifts that had accumulated on our drive but was amazed at how little snow we really got and that it was mostly just blowing existing snow around. Of course the drifts were close to anything where there was something to stop the wind, so we have drifts by our garage and in our backyard amongst the trees.So not more than 20 minutes later as I'm eating breakfast, I look out and the snow had started to come. So I've joined Jeff on the couch that looks out the living room windows and am sitting watching the snow fall. Big flakes. Dropping straight down. I find myself mesmerized by it, just like when I sit at a campfire and watch the flames.
To celebrate Jeff's installation service this weekend we got him another bird feeder. We put this one closer to the house and within two days the birds have started to use it. So while watching the snow fall we are also watching the birds flitting from tree to bird feeder to tree to the ground and back. The Dark Eyed Juncos are as numerous here as the sparrows were in Virginia. I commented to Jeff today that we don't have sparrows and wouldn't you know soon after that a house sparrow came to the close feeder for me to see :) I think we're going to start a bird list. Mostly we have the Juncos, Blue Jays and Cardinals. Jeff thinks he's seen snow buntings in the field but they haven't come to our place yet. We've also had a Coopers hawk and another big one that we weren't able to identify.
Well I'm off to brave the outdoors to clean the snow off the feeder so that they can get to the seed again. Then I'll be back inside, on the couch, mesmerized by the big flakes, the beautiful red of the Cardinal and closeness of the birds to our feeders. I'm not sure much will get done today. Pretty sure that's okay.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Happy List
At church this past Sunday we were encouraged during sharing time to not just think about all the of the concerns to pray for but that we also look at what we are grateful for. The leader told of her conversation with her daughter the evening before and how the daughter named the 60 some things on her happy list.
So in spite of the challenging days of the past, I've been trying to consider what I would put on my "happy list". So I thought I'd share what I've come up with.
1. Walking hand in hand with Anya on our walk home from school, catching snowflakes with our tongues
2. Eating at church on Wednesday evening - no dishes or food prep for the day
3. An unexpected visit from my college volleyball coach who heard we moved to the area
4. Snow falling - at least there is something exciting to watch on a gray day
5. Keen shoes that I bought at Christmas from the Cabela's bargain cave - great to walk in outside
6. Seeing and learning about an AGA stove from a friend - sure would be nice to have an oven/stove that stays warm all winter long and ultimately would help keep our kitchen warm
7. Getting my Ohio drivers license - after the 2nd visit, I didn't have a marriage license the first time. I should say that I did pass the test the first visit :)
8. A night at home with the family - no games, no meetings, no church
9. Ironed fabrics waiting for me to come up with something to make
10. A morning breakfast out with two ladies from church
11. Looking at seed catalogs, thinking about spring plantings
12. An exercise DVD that made me sweat!!
13. Great tasting pork BBQ from our farm
14. Looking forward to family coming in for Jeff's installation service this Sunday
15. Seeing AJ and Jeff snuggling on the chair
I'm thinking about our Virginia friends and family in PA who have gotten a lot of snow. I know the girls are wishing for snow days again. They have quickly realized that snow does not equal no school here in Ohio.
So in spite of the challenging days of the past, I've been trying to consider what I would put on my "happy list". So I thought I'd share what I've come up with.
1. Walking hand in hand with Anya on our walk home from school, catching snowflakes with our tongues
2. Eating at church on Wednesday evening - no dishes or food prep for the day
3. An unexpected visit from my college volleyball coach who heard we moved to the area
4. Snow falling - at least there is something exciting to watch on a gray day
5. Keen shoes that I bought at Christmas from the Cabela's bargain cave - great to walk in outside
6. Seeing and learning about an AGA stove from a friend - sure would be nice to have an oven/stove that stays warm all winter long and ultimately would help keep our kitchen warm
7. Getting my Ohio drivers license - after the 2nd visit, I didn't have a marriage license the first time. I should say that I did pass the test the first visit :)
8. A night at home with the family - no games, no meetings, no church
9. Ironed fabrics waiting for me to come up with something to make
10. A morning breakfast out with two ladies from church
11. Looking at seed catalogs, thinking about spring plantings
12. An exercise DVD that made me sweat!!
13. Great tasting pork BBQ from our farm
14. Looking forward to family coming in for Jeff's installation service this Sunday
15. Seeing AJ and Jeff snuggling on the chair
I'm thinking about our Virginia friends and family in PA who have gotten a lot of snow. I know the girls are wishing for snow days again. They have quickly realized that snow does not equal no school here in Ohio.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dusting it Off
So today I pulled out my box of fabrics. My original thought was to just bring some color into my life - let's just say I needed to do something.
I was commenting recently to a friend that I thought I would title my next post "Bipolar" or I also thought about "Let the Tears Flow". One of the things that I had told myself when I started this blog was that I needed to be real - to not just say what I think others would want to hear. So the reality is that, true to form in past transitions, that it all hits for me a period of time later - maybe it's once I know that everyone else is doing okay, then I let down.
So all to say, the emotions have been all over, a true rollercoaster, thus - the bipolarness. I know I should not joke about that, because I know and have worked with people who truly struggle with bipolar depression and it's not a journey I (or they) would want to be on. I am grateful that my struggle is situational and not long-term. More than likely it's seasonal - so the 2 degree mornings and now the grey days are about doing me in. I'm sure it didn't help to just have read a book where the character had the opportunity to leave up-state New York in winter to go to Maui for a work trip and without thinking twice she left her husband home to do all the farming chores alone for a few months. Let's just say, if presented with the opportunity to go south right about now, I wouldn't think twice and GO. I'm trying hard to remember why we came here to Northwest Ohio, not that Harrisonburg is the best place to winter, but I'd at least be hoping that the sun would be shining. For now I'm thinking much further south would be much better.
But since that won't happen (I've already begged Jeff to go somewhere and he didn't go for it) I decided today to try something new. So I pulled out all of my fabric and had fun remembering the different things I made with certain fabrics. I then decided it was time to set up my sewing machine. So I pulled a table out of the garage, set it up in my room, dusted off the sewing machine and am going to see if any creativity can flow. I have an idea but don't know if it will work or if I'll make myself even more crazy.
But for now it was fun to discover a mostly finished quilt top, some quilt squares from a class and a bunch of scraps.
I keep praying for April to come soon.
I was commenting recently to a friend that I thought I would title my next post "Bipolar" or I also thought about "Let the Tears Flow". One of the things that I had told myself when I started this blog was that I needed to be real - to not just say what I think others would want to hear. So the reality is that, true to form in past transitions, that it all hits for me a period of time later - maybe it's once I know that everyone else is doing okay, then I let down.
So all to say, the emotions have been all over, a true rollercoaster, thus - the bipolarness. I know I should not joke about that, because I know and have worked with people who truly struggle with bipolar depression and it's not a journey I (or they) would want to be on. I am grateful that my struggle is situational and not long-term. More than likely it's seasonal - so the 2 degree mornings and now the grey days are about doing me in. I'm sure it didn't help to just have read a book where the character had the opportunity to leave up-state New York in winter to go to Maui for a work trip and without thinking twice she left her husband home to do all the farming chores alone for a few months. Let's just say, if presented with the opportunity to go south right about now, I wouldn't think twice and GO. I'm trying hard to remember why we came here to Northwest Ohio, not that Harrisonburg is the best place to winter, but I'd at least be hoping that the sun would be shining. For now I'm thinking much further south would be much better.
But since that won't happen (I've already begged Jeff to go somewhere and he didn't go for it) I decided today to try something new. So I pulled out all of my fabric and had fun remembering the different things I made with certain fabrics. I then decided it was time to set up my sewing machine. So I pulled a table out of the garage, set it up in my room, dusted off the sewing machine and am going to see if any creativity can flow. I have an idea but don't know if it will work or if I'll make myself even more crazy.
But for now it was fun to discover a mostly finished quilt top, some quilt squares from a class and a bunch of scraps.I keep praying for April to come soon.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Our Virginia Girl
So today is Anya's 10th birthday!! Each birthday we retell the girls their birth story. I started telling her last night before bed that when she woke up this morning I would have already gone to Rockingham Memorial Hospital in Harrisonburg. I also told her that she, like her sisters, was overdue. And so by this day I was extremely ready for her to be born - 9 days late is a long time when you are pregnant. Her time of birth is 11:40 a.m. and weighed 9 lbs. 10 oz.
She has a unique story in that she was born while we lived in Roselawn residence hall on the EMU campus and then lived in two more dorms after that - Northlawn & Elmwood. Most kids can't say that they lived on a college campus until they are students there.
Anya has been an active child all of her life - she was riding her bicycle (with training wheels down the sidewalk to take Kate to preschool) at two and then by four she had learned to ride her bike at Grandpa Helmuth's house. A whole new world opened up to her when we moved to our farmette on Singers Glen Rd. She played outside, rode her bike up and down the lane, helped with chores and soon was mixing milk to feed to her calf that she was raising.Some highlights of recent years:
* Finding her inside the calf pen reading to Buddy, her calf* Watching her patiently have the newborn kids get use to her and then watch them come running when she got home from school and call for them
* Asking her dad once while we were butchering a turkey and he was gutting, "can little girls stick their hands in there too?"
* Watching her friendship grow with cousin/neighbor, Ginny and riding her bike through the field over to their house to play
* Having her take a liking to an EMU basketball player, MJ, and wanting to stay after a game until she came out of the lockerroom to say good game
* Her taking pride in the fact that she grew two inches in three months over this summer - she keeps trying to see how much more till she's taller than me :) she's currently 4'11 1/2"
All to say, we're excited to celebrate with her today. We're excited to see what this new year will bring. She continues to grow and mature in to a wonderful, fun young lady.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Moments of Hope
As I am reflecting on this past week I am encouraged by moments of hope. There have been a number of things that have brought a smile to my face (I'm not going to deny that there were plenty of times of frustration/saddness, but I'm choosing to focus on the hope for now).
1. After learning that Jessie, our lab, had been hit on the road while we were at church one evening, Jeff came home to find her huddled in her kennel, refusing to come out of the dog carrier. I prayed that if we were going to have decide to put her down the next day, that she would just die in her sleep. She was still breathing in the morning but still wouldn't come out. I called to get her in to a vet and Jeff helped me put the dog carrier in the back of the vehicle. When I got to the vet, the first sign of hope came when I looked in on her and she was perky and excited to have been on a ride :) When we got the carrier on the ground, she willing got out and walked around. She was limping so we knew she had been hit, but she was back to herself.
2. One day on our walk home from school Emily was telling me about her Financial Management class. She is a brave soul being the only freshman in a class of juniors/seniors, but she loves it. She said, I am so glad I'm taking this now, I have so much to learn and went on to talk about the US debt, taxes, etc. She said the next day in class that they were having a cafe and reading the Wall Street Journal :) The more we talked the more I liked this teacher, it reminded me of the years I taught business and some of the non-traditional ways of teaching that I incorporated. It was great to see Emily excited and wanting to learn - another sign of hope.
2. On Friday night we watched our first Pettisville girls varsity basketball game with the invitation from a couple from church - it was fun to watch one of the youth play and to see them come from behind to win in overtime. It's amazing that we are beginning to see people from our past and it helps me to realize that we do know some people here. Stan Roth lives in this area and helps to coach soccer around here. He mentioned that he's seen my brother Ed (Eddy as he said, which let's you know he was a friend from high school days) at some of the state soccer games. It was also good to be a part of the Pettisville community.
3. Kate had her first home basketball game-so it's the first time we've seen her play. It was fun to see the progress throughout the game from a tentative player to a more aggressive defensive player and an offensive player that worked hard to post up inside and had four points!
4. Saturday morning we were able to bring Jessie home from the vet. She had a dislocated femur and they had her back leg bandaged up so she couldn't use it. Today we were to take off the bandage. She is very hesitant to use it and we can tell that she is still sore. Tonight I sat in the garage with her for over an hour trying to coax her out of the carrier. Finally with Jeff's help she emerged, ate, went outside to do her business and then Jeff caved to my begging to let her sleep inside tonight in the kitchen :)
5. And probably my greatest hope for the week came today after church when someone came up to me and wondered if I had any interest in using their garden patch this year. He usually had corn in there but this year he thought he'd put it in cover crop unless I would have interest in using it. Just three days earlier while waiting for Kate to finish practice and I grabbed a paper and pencil and just jotted down a few thoughts. They were: find some sponsors to grow fresh food for the community; provide local food for the community meals that just started, for our church meals, for youth fundraisers, for some local families who can't afford to buy it. Of course my thoughts also went beyond veggies to fresh eggs, bread and meat. Obviously I can't do all of that, but this conversation today brought me hope that maybe some of this could become a reality. So needless to say I pulled out our Four-Season Harvest book and am scouring the pages for what I can learn. We'll see what emerges, but for now it has provided me with new found energy and hope for what is to come.
1. After learning that Jessie, our lab, had been hit on the road while we were at church one evening, Jeff came home to find her huddled in her kennel, refusing to come out of the dog carrier. I prayed that if we were going to have decide to put her down the next day, that she would just die in her sleep. She was still breathing in the morning but still wouldn't come out. I called to get her in to a vet and Jeff helped me put the dog carrier in the back of the vehicle. When I got to the vet, the first sign of hope came when I looked in on her and she was perky and excited to have been on a ride :) When we got the carrier on the ground, she willing got out and walked around. She was limping so we knew she had been hit, but she was back to herself.
2. One day on our walk home from school Emily was telling me about her Financial Management class. She is a brave soul being the only freshman in a class of juniors/seniors, but she loves it. She said, I am so glad I'm taking this now, I have so much to learn and went on to talk about the US debt, taxes, etc. She said the next day in class that they were having a cafe and reading the Wall Street Journal :) The more we talked the more I liked this teacher, it reminded me of the years I taught business and some of the non-traditional ways of teaching that I incorporated. It was great to see Emily excited and wanting to learn - another sign of hope.
2. On Friday night we watched our first Pettisville girls varsity basketball game with the invitation from a couple from church - it was fun to watch one of the youth play and to see them come from behind to win in overtime. It's amazing that we are beginning to see people from our past and it helps me to realize that we do know some people here. Stan Roth lives in this area and helps to coach soccer around here. He mentioned that he's seen my brother Ed (Eddy as he said, which let's you know he was a friend from high school days) at some of the state soccer games. It was also good to be a part of the Pettisville community.
3. Kate had her first home basketball game-so it's the first time we've seen her play. It was fun to see the progress throughout the game from a tentative player to a more aggressive defensive player and an offensive player that worked hard to post up inside and had four points!
4. Saturday morning we were able to bring Jessie home from the vet. She had a dislocated femur and they had her back leg bandaged up so she couldn't use it. Today we were to take off the bandage. She is very hesitant to use it and we can tell that she is still sore. Tonight I sat in the garage with her for over an hour trying to coax her out of the carrier. Finally with Jeff's help she emerged, ate, went outside to do her business and then Jeff caved to my begging to let her sleep inside tonight in the kitchen :)
5. And probably my greatest hope for the week came today after church when someone came up to me and wondered if I had any interest in using their garden patch this year. He usually had corn in there but this year he thought he'd put it in cover crop unless I would have interest in using it. Just three days earlier while waiting for Kate to finish practice and I grabbed a paper and pencil and just jotted down a few thoughts. They were: find some sponsors to grow fresh food for the community; provide local food for the community meals that just started, for our church meals, for youth fundraisers, for some local families who can't afford to buy it. Of course my thoughts also went beyond veggies to fresh eggs, bread and meat. Obviously I can't do all of that, but this conversation today brought me hope that maybe some of this could become a reality. So needless to say I pulled out our Four-Season Harvest book and am scouring the pages for what I can learn. We'll see what emerges, but for now it has provided me with new found energy and hope for what is to come.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Firsts
FIRSTS. While I would say that I'm typically one who doesn't mind change, I"m also one who does not like to be the first do something. I like to sit back and watch someone else do it first. I don't know if that's because I'm a visual person and need to see it being done first to gain strategy or if'it's because I'm afraid to fail. But as I've been thinking about all the firsts that we had this past week I have to say that it's good to have it behind us. I do know there are more to come, but it seems like the biggest ones are past - first day of school, first day at a new church, first sermon at Zion, first time for buying furniture, first time to have zero emails in my EMU email account, first time to do two puzzles in one week, first time for being sore after playing the Wii by myself (I really didn't think I got much of a workout playing boxing and tennis, but apparently it did something).
I remember saying to some of the 1st year students I worked with at EMU, that you will never have to have another first semester of your freshman year again. Second semester always feel different because you know where classes are, you know the people living on your hall, you have begun to be involved, you know the flow of a semester and you just seem to be more focused.
In the midst of the emotional energy it took for the girls to start a new school, each day they came home with stories of hope. They each made connections and it's been fun to hear them talk about different teachers and students, to see that Emily's facebook now has some Pettisville friends on it, to see Kate connecting on the basketball team, to see Anya's confidence to start in a mini basketball clinic with others from school and not be afraid to go play.
While each of them would say they had a good week, Kate said it well on Friday. "It's been a good week, but I'm ready to go back home now." Home being VA where it doesn't take so much energy and to go back to what feels comfortable. It was also good on Friday night for Emily to have enough courage to verbalize that while it's been fine on the surface, it's been really hard. That she was just needing to be real, to cry and to have someone listen.
I'm always humbled by what our kids teach us. I too had a good week but I would also say I'm ready to go home now - but home is now here and what can I do to make this feel more like home for me and the family. I'm not necessarily saying I want everything to be comfortable but I do want to create a safe haven for our family and others. A safe haven where we can be real with each other. Where we don't just say what we think others want to hear. Where we will be honest, where it's okay to cry, laugh, or whatever is needed at the time.
I realize that we are at a unique place in being able to start again. I don't necessarily like the feeling of starting over with getting to know people for the first time, but maybe I can see it more as an opportunity. I do know how much I appreciate hearing people's stories, for our stories have shaped us. So rather than thinking of this time as starting again, I see it as a continuation of my life, for our stories go with us wherever we go.
I do want to be intentional about what this looks like-I want to take time to reflect on what I have learned, pay attention to where I feel God is leading me, to be creative and dream, and to be grateful for each day that I have. So as Jeff challenged us today in the sermon, to seek God in this new year to see how we can write a meaningful story, one that we will one day tell as we sit before God's throne. I recognize that our stories are not always filled with joy or have easy answers, but I want to somehow bring glory to God through whatever and wherever the journey takes me. I do know that I want to make a difference. That I want to find meaning and a purpose. Am I willing to sit long enough with God to know how and where to be present using the gifts He has given me, am I willing to take some risks?
Enough for me to ponder on for now.
I remember saying to some of the 1st year students I worked with at EMU, that you will never have to have another first semester of your freshman year again. Second semester always feel different because you know where classes are, you know the people living on your hall, you have begun to be involved, you know the flow of a semester and you just seem to be more focused.
In the midst of the emotional energy it took for the girls to start a new school, each day they came home with stories of hope. They each made connections and it's been fun to hear them talk about different teachers and students, to see that Emily's facebook now has some Pettisville friends on it, to see Kate connecting on the basketball team, to see Anya's confidence to start in a mini basketball clinic with others from school and not be afraid to go play.
While each of them would say they had a good week, Kate said it well on Friday. "It's been a good week, but I'm ready to go back home now." Home being VA where it doesn't take so much energy and to go back to what feels comfortable. It was also good on Friday night for Emily to have enough courage to verbalize that while it's been fine on the surface, it's been really hard. That she was just needing to be real, to cry and to have someone listen.
I'm always humbled by what our kids teach us. I too had a good week but I would also say I'm ready to go home now - but home is now here and what can I do to make this feel more like home for me and the family. I'm not necessarily saying I want everything to be comfortable but I do want to create a safe haven for our family and others. A safe haven where we can be real with each other. Where we don't just say what we think others want to hear. Where we will be honest, where it's okay to cry, laugh, or whatever is needed at the time.
I realize that we are at a unique place in being able to start again. I don't necessarily like the feeling of starting over with getting to know people for the first time, but maybe I can see it more as an opportunity. I do know how much I appreciate hearing people's stories, for our stories have shaped us. So rather than thinking of this time as starting again, I see it as a continuation of my life, for our stories go with us wherever we go.
I do want to be intentional about what this looks like-I want to take time to reflect on what I have learned, pay attention to where I feel God is leading me, to be creative and dream, and to be grateful for each day that I have. So as Jeff challenged us today in the sermon, to seek God in this new year to see how we can write a meaningful story, one that we will one day tell as we sit before God's throne. I recognize that our stories are not always filled with joy or have easy answers, but I want to somehow bring glory to God through whatever and wherever the journey takes me. I do know that I want to make a difference. That I want to find meaning and a purpose. Am I willing to sit long enough with God to know how and where to be present using the gifts He has given me, am I willing to take some risks?
Enough for me to ponder on for now.
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