Hickory Nuts

I should be spending my time right now writing a research paper.  But too many thoughts are in my head so I'm needing to focus and thought a blog post might help me do that.  Two events that have happened recently are spurring my thoughts for this morning (maybe this will all come together to benefit my paper as well, I can only hope.)

Last weekend was a gorgeous weekend, 70's and sunny.  Em, Anya, and I spent an hour picking up hickory nuts out of someone's yard.  I brought them home with me, even though I'm not sure what I am going to do with them.  I did take a small bucket of them to the MYF auction and they brought $35 dollars.  So I am sure they are worth something but oh my it would take a long time to crack all of them.  I question if it is worth all of the work for just a small nut inside.

Next, a guest speaker in class this week (actually someone from our church) spoke on his leadership and experiences with leading change.  I describe the feeling in the room after he left as being elevated to another level.  He brought much to consider and challenged us all to be better than when came.  Our time together solidified the need to know ourselves and our core values.  To recognize that our experiences will shape us and change us.  So we embark on a journey that allows time and space to reflect, to open ourselves to refining and change allows us it embrace what it means to be authentic (because we know who we are and whose we are), to be transparent, and to live with integrity.

out shell breaking apart

Back to the hickory nuts. Wikipedia says that hickory wood is very hard, stiff, dense and shock resistant. This large tree when the time is right in the fall drops it's fruit.  The hickory nut, has a hard outer shell that serves to protect it from the outdoor elements. As the nut develops inside and as it is ready to be harvested it drops from the tree and the hard outer shell actually begins to split apart making it easy to gather the inside part of the nut.  This is not the end though. There is still another shell of this smaller nut that needs cracked.  We used a hammer to crack it open, which is a skill in itself to not completely shatter the nut inside.  All of this for a very small nut that is edible (if it is the right variety of hickory tree).


I see a process here, rather than just a nut, just as I see a leader as being more than a person, but a journey.  Both of these things merge together when considering how we lead people.  This journey we are on along with the value in knowing ourselves at our core, is where we reach the substance of our being. It is the place from which we can lead with authenticity and transparency.  When considering what it takes to get to the core, it is a process, just as getting to the nut inside the shell.  There is maturing, the inner growth that needs to happen inside the protection of the hard outer shell until we are ready to be harvested, and then the natural breaking open of the shell happens.  For many of us, we want to function and stay at this point in the process.  There is beauty here, there is safety here as well.  It even appears as if we are whole and have reached our potential.  I won't get into what can happen at this point with the squirrels that hide the nuts away or the nut weevils that lay their eggs in immature nuts in the summer, and leave a hole where the grub chewed it's way out.  (So what appears to be the best stage can have it's downfalls too.)

Getting to the meat of the hickory nut requires a breaking, patience, and most often what emerges is a broken nut.  But if there is not a breaking of the shell, the nourishment will never be received.  The brokenness is required to get to the core.  It is at the core that we really begin to see what the hickory nut is made of, what it looks like, what it tastes like, and then the nourishment can be received.

In all honesty, my journey has all too often stayed at the beauty of the inner shell.  Not exposing what is really on the inside.  I realize that as a leader, this is where we tend to function from.  I believe most times we all want to appear as if we are all put together and try to hide the fact that we are indeed broken, that we have gone through the pain of the breaking open.  We just don't want to be exposed and vulnerable.  So with ourselves and with others, ultimately the time and patience needed to get to the core will be time well spent.  For once we understand people at their core we begin to meet their needs in new ways and the journey ahead may not be as scarey or lonely.

When there is resistance to change might it be that we need to take the time to personally go and pick them up, peeling away the outer layer, understanding time in their environment. Might this allow us to know them more personally?  We realize that this is a process, a journey.  What might it look like if we actually begin to understand people at their core, in their brokenness?

"Winning" and other thoughts

This week in class we played the "Red/Green" game or as I knew it, "Win as much as you can".  The objective of the game is "to get the most points - win as much as you can".  As many know I am one who enjoys games and the satisfaction of playing a game well.  I do not like to lose. When playing games with Kate, who now usually beats me, I don't want to quit until I have won.  So much of my life early on was my identity as an athlete.  This is what I was known for.  I enjoyed people asking me on the way to class how a game went or reading about the games in the newspaper. I remember specifically trying to figure out who I was after college when my identity was no longer as Jan, the athlete.  It was not long until I transferred my skills to coaching and once again found myself on the competitive path as I led teams to become the best they could be.  While we always talk about life lessons learned, the positive aspects of being a part of a team, it was always easier when we would win.  It is hard to bounce back from losses, to not take it personally. 

Back to class.  So as this game played out, people dug in and wanted to be the "winner" even though there was no mention of a prize.  To win the most points was the topic of the conversation as each team tried to strategize ways to get to the top.  Prior to the game we had begun a conversation on conflict.  It was evident throughout the hour that the tension rose as teams would make moves that benefited themselves and created distrust amongst the other teams.  Before certain rounds, each team could send a representative to the center to talk strategy with the other teams. The only way that all teams could win points, was to agree to voting green.  If any team would vote red, the green votes would lose points and the red would gain even more.  A pivotal point for me was the time I represented my team, working to gain agreement with everyone that green was in everyone's best interest.  I gave my word along with all of the other reps.  But once we went back to our teams, the rest of my team wanted to vote red, gain more points and go ahead of the rest.  Wow, how difficult that was for me.  I discovered that winning shifted for me.  Winning no longer meant gaining the most points, but became about integrity and being able to be known as someone how stood by their word.  The best for the whole team was better than the individual teams, after all these were people that I have been developing friendships with for the past eight weeks.  How could my team put this integrity on the line?  It was so strong for me, that I did not give in.  We voted green.  All but one team voted green.  So instead of all winning points, we lost points while one team won and dominated the lead.  I knew my team was disappointed in me.  But honestly, even though it was a game, had I allowed us to vote red I would have felt like I had abandoned who I am at the core.

Thankfully I have another classmate who was willing to verbalize her unsettledness about society's focus on winning and the competitive nature we live in, advocating there to be a better way.  Meg did much better at convincing her team to be consistent at looking at the bigger picture, developing the trust of others.  She and I have had conversations over supper about some of the perspectives on leadership and how it seems that we have different aspirations than what we experience in class.  I am so thankful to have someone to talk to and hopefully we can validate that it is good, maybe even essential, to verbalize when we question the quest to get to the top mentality.  I hope that we have the courage to articulate and model some new perspectives. 

I find myself wondering how I have prepared our girls, my players, my students for this game called life.  Have I instilled more than the quest to get to the top?  When push comes to shove will they be able to have the courage to be people of integrity?  Have I helped to create alternative models of how to communicate, treat people, approach challenges, that does not need to gain the most points?  That the best for ALL is valued more than the best for oneself. 

In a conversation with someone recently he mentioned how our desire to encourage people to give their best effort, to develop and grow, to be creative can also be experienced as not being good enough, not measuring up.  What a challenge before us, learning to lead people from something greater than the bigger is better mentality.  That the beauty comes not in reaching the top, but in the journey itself.  

As a side note: what was crazy, my team in the end actually did win the most points.  What also happened was that really didn't matter anymore - there was so much dissatisfaction for the level of mistrust that had developed.  Maybe there was movement towards a different model of "winning."

Joy

Joy.  A word that has come up a few times today already.  A reminder of a prayer for joy from a dying friend (for Jeff) and Psalm 100 in my devotions today both are spurring me to this blog post.  So as I sit in my hammock chair on the porch, listening to the chatter of the girls in the house and the chickens in the yard, our dog laying at my feet and my books and paper awaiting me on the table, I'm taking a time out to name this joy.

I can't believe my last post was in April!!!  When I think of all that has happened since then, it's too much to write.  I'll just say that it has been a full and wonderful summer.  Kids have started the school year and all seem to be in a good space.  This is truly something to be joyful about.  As I mentioned in my last post I decided this year to try and write down 1000 blessings - my gratitude journal.  This has been a wonderful exercise in looking for the joy in this place and time.  Can't say that I have done it daily, but one day I will look back and see the many ways that God has been working and transforming me.

I mentioned the books and paper awaiting me and I mentioned all of us being in a good space.  Both are tied together for me.  Jeff described to someone that the Jan that he knew was back.  I wonder if he'll always think that is a good thing, but it describes the change.  So 3-4 weeks ago when I met with a friend for breakfast and she was asking about the transition and where I see my niche.  I did my usual, things are fine but I really don't know where I will end up, there hasn't seemed to be many possibilities.  I have my many interests in food, gardens, youth work, but somehow a transition in conversation was made to my work at the university and with students.  What was crazy was I felt myself coming alive again.  I went away from that breakfast with this passion ignited again.  This time I had a strong urge that I wanted to just take a class and see how that feels.  So I checked in at BGSU with the dept chair who I had worked with when I had applied to the Leadership Studies program in the winter (and was told that I needed more focus, try again next year).  And here is the start of what has been a crazy ride.  Within a two week time span after I made the first contact about inquiring to just take one class turned into, would you consider taking two classes if BG gives a tuition waiver for the second one, to you need to be full-time to get the waiver, to we decided to fully accept you into the doctoral program for Leadership Studies.  So what started with a breakfast at Essenhaus has ended up a month later with being a doctoral student and now also working 20 hours on campus with the director of BG Perspective (the general education program).  I describe it as the doors were flung wide open and I'd be crazy to not walk through them.

Back to Joy.  There are many moments when I wonder if I can do this, if I can find my voice again, if this will be as good in a few months as it is now, if I really can focus.  But there is an undeniable joy inside.  A joy every time I walk on campus, a joy that our home seems to be settling into a groove, a joy that there is focus again, a joy that I know I do not walk this path alone - I feel a deep sense of God's leading and tremendous support from my family and others.  I know this path will not be easy to walk, but I choose to walk it one day at a time.  Where it ends up I don't know, whether I actually finish or not, does not matter to me - for now I choose to walk through the doors that have undeniably been opened.

Psalm 100:
Shout with joy to the Lord.  Worship the Lord with gladness.  Come before him, singing with joy.  Acknowledge that the Lord is God!  He made us and we are his.  We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.  Enter his gates with thanksgiving go into his courts with praise.  Give thanks to him and bless his name.  For the Lord is good.  His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.

Giving thanks to God for this journey - for the past, the present and the future!

Holding it Loosely

So over time there have been a few phrases that prove to become a mantra for my life and also become powerful words for others.  The first phrase was (and continues to be) "sit with it".  So often in life I find myself wanting to fight emotions connected with grief or questioning why things happen and have needed to learn how to "sit with" the emotions or questions and allow myself to feel.  I imagine myself sitting at the feet of Jesus, laying down whatever is happening there and trying to look into Jesus' eyes.  It doesn't take away the pain but it allows me to see Jesus with me in that pain, giving space to cry, be angry or whatever.  During that sitting with it, I believe those are the moments where healing happens - a little more each time.

Holding it loosely has become an important phrase for me recently.  Back when we were in the discerning stage for moving to Ohio, Jeff used that phrase and it has become invaluable to me now too.  I see it as the ability to look at the possibilities with open hands, allowing God's timing and direction to be revealed.  I find when I want something too much I tend to try and manipulate the process.  My desire to control things or want to know the details often times gets in the way of the work God has at hand.  I think a key for me in this transitional time has been in opening myself up to the work of God, to take on a posture of seeking.  I believe God has been leading, shaping, moving and as I have moved in directions that lead to closed doors, I don't see it as a failure, but as a growing and valuable process to have been through.  Learning to trust each step of the way, peeling away the layers of protection or the walls that I've built.  It is a process.

I'm thinking I'm going to start my way to listing 1,000 blessings/gifts/appreciation in this next year.  This in itself is truly a testimony to the work of God in my life.  To actually want to try and name blessings about this area, time of life...the fog is lifting.  Giving God the praise today for a sunny day, inwardly and outwardly.

Holy Week - Refining

Wow it has been a long time since my last post.  This past week was Holy week and as I am reflecting on our service on Sunday and my on-going study of Daniel I thought I'd put down some of my thoughts.

Today I am thinking of Jesus' pain & suffering - something his short life on earth knew so well.  I am also remembering when Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace.  Through this trial it allowed for King Neby to see a fourth person in the fire with them and that they were not consumed by the flames but instead were unharmed.

In our sermon on Palm Sunday Jessica named that Jesus was not protected from pain, suffering & death.  God's favor does not equal success & protection but He does promise provision - in the midst of the suffering.  It's not if we have trials but when - something I've always known.  When we are faced with the trials and are in the midst of the fire, our faith is refined.  As I envision the four people in the fiery furnace I am encouraged to know the fourth one is God standing in there with us. 

So often in the fire we are caught up/consumed with the fire itself - the treatments, the loss, the pain, the depression, the loneliness.  When do we consider, look for, recognize the fourth person in the furnace with us - the One that is there but wasn't visible before?  Does God become visible in the fire, for us - or for the others on the outside looking in?

We know in our heads that God is always with us, so does He become visible once we acknowledge Him, once we completely put our trust in Him?  Once we shift our focus off the fire, recognizing it's Jesus' feet we want to sit at, it's His love that embraces us, is it then that we have the courage to walk thru the fire?  What if we never walk out of the fire?  If not, then we will be gazing into Jesus' eyes so closely, that maybe we won't really notice that others have left our side.  Wondering if the those who were experiencing the fire with us, would also see the loving, gentle eyes, and the peaceful presence you found with Jesus.  Knowing at some point they will be able to walk out of the fire, not consumed, but refined.

Will others notice the fourth person in our fiery furnace?  Do we even notice Him?  Refining -is never easy, but results in such beauty.  One day our trials will take us through the fire and into Jesus' arms.  Will we draw others around us closer to their Maker in the process or will we all miss seeing Jesus at all because we have allowed the fire to be our focus?

Daniel

The month of January proved to be busy as I did a lot of subbing in the school cafeteria.  I have enjoyed connecting with the ladies there and helping to get a salad bar started.  Last week I made hummus and was pleased to see people disappointed that it had run out on Thursday.  I also had the opportunity to take on a position there five days a week, but decided to not do that and will continue to sub for now, likely two days a week.

One of the other things that I have been processing in January is whether I should apply to go back to school.  I did a visit to BGSU and have emailed inquiries also to UT.  I am really trying to discern what it is I am longing for and what it is that God is wanting for me.  I recently came across the Daniel Fast again.  I hadn't looked into it much before but came across the website http://daniel-fast.com/.  Because of this discerning stage I am in, I have decided to do this Daniel fast to help me bring focus to my searchings and to really seek out God in this.  I continue to feel pulled in different directions - wanting to be available to my family, wanting my mind to be stimulated, wanting to make a difference, wanting to raise our food, wanting to contribute financially ...  So knowing the right timing for things, what is for me right now in NW Ohio, what to prepare for in the future, how to support Jeff and the girls...

I don't feel restless, just wanting to pay attention to what is inside and desiring to have my purpose grow out of my relationship with the Lord, not asking God to come along side of me.  I know God has plans for me, plans for me to prosper and have purpose.   "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11.