Head Bowed, Hands Open

There has been an unsettledness within me.  An inability to focus.  A feeling of shame.  As I have been reflecting on why I keep going back to this past weekend and feel convicted of some things I said, I remember speaking words that came from a judgemental spirit.  Words spoken to persons of faith that I care about.  I apologized the next day for what I had said and that I shouldn't have been so judgemental.  But for some reason it still sits with me. 

As I participated in our Ash Wednesday service, the start of the 40 days of Lent, I was reminded of the importance of opening ourselves to the work of God in our lives, to have the posture of head bowed and hands held open.  It's more than just "giving something up for lent" it's also about having an openness to the cleansing work of the Holy Spirit.  This is what I desire, but I'm not sure I like what I am feeling in the midst of this.

In my devotions this morning it was titled, "Why can't we all just get along?"  It starts with, "It's amazing how people deeply committed to serving Jesus disagree about the most basic issues."  My comments from the weekend were about different college choices and found myself making strong statements about church affiliated schools based on some very limited interactions I had with some people or from what I had heard somewhere or because of the faith they are affiliated with.  How arrogant of me.  I just stereotyped people.  I assumed that my experience 20 years ago would still hold true today... I held no illusions that the Mennonite colleges were perfect and really the conversation was much more than college choices, I found myself being judgemental about faith.

Romans 14 talks about how we might see things differently (what is okay to eat, what day is holy) and that we shouldn't condemn each other for what we believe and that we shouldn't become a stumbling block for the other.  vs. 13 So don't condemn each other anymore.  Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not put an obstacle in another Christian's path. vs 17  For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit...so then, let us aim for harmony in the church and try to build each other up.

So while this unsettledness continues inside of me I want to come before the Lord with my head bowed and hands open to be cleansed deep within me.  I feel yucky and disappointed in myself but I truly want a new and right spirit within me.  I don't like to live in conflict so I quickly jump to what it takes to live in harmony.  But I also realize that what needs to take place in the space in the middle is important and is necessary for me to become refined, molded by Christ.  In the end I hope to have my arms outstretched and my head help up giving praise to God for the new life within me.